Evil Warlord

9 lbs down in 3 days. Not too shabby if I don't say so myself. The fast is going pretty rocky, and I've stumbled a bit, but you can't argue with results. I wanted to exercise more this week, but I have a huge exam this afternoon I've been cramming for as well as getting all my other homework done. Something is working, though!

I did manage to exercise on Monday, but the downside is my shoulder has been hurting ever since. I really want to take a multi-vitamin so my shoulder (Which, for those of you who have not been paying attention, was broken in April) can get the calcium it probably requires to stop being a pain in my ass. But all I can think is: "If I give my stupid body what it needs it won't need to work as hard, and therefore I won't lose as much weight. This is unacceptable." And then I send my imaginary broken collarbone to the imaginary jail of my body as I feel like I am an evil warlord over it these days. I should just sit in my bedroom all day drinking mead while I plot further ways to destroy my body.

At least I haven't smoked in a week. Lungs... you have pleased me. You will be granted a reprieve. DON'T DISSAPPOINT ME! I'm super excited that I was able to lose weight without smoking. I almost went and bought cigarettes that first day because I was so afraid I wouldn't. I dont know what changed, or what I finally did right, but I'm grateful!

What's sad is last night I was laying in bed, feeling lightheaded. And everytime I get super lightheaded from lack of food I start getting scared. I mean, think about it. I'm laying there, already delirious from lack of sleep, lightheaded, feeling pretty weak, I can't talk normally because I've jabbed a toothbrush down my throat to throw up too much recently... There are just some nights I go to bed and genuinely worry I won't wake up. I was almost in tears. I wanted to call my boyfriend, but he would have forced me to eat somehow, so I didn't. And its moments like that that people who don't have an ED don't understand. All that not-waking-up-fear is terrible. But in my mind gaining weight is worse. So even though Im cowered in bed, fearing for my life I-WILL-NOT-EAT.

The really sad part is I dont want to be cured, because everytime I think about food I think about the Halloween costume I just bought that I look like a stuffed sausage in and I need to look good in it before Halloween. I think about wrestling, and how there aren't any fat female wrestlers who have contracts these days! And about how much fatter I used to be and I can't give up now. About that pair of jeans I just can't quite squeeze into yet...

Okay, this post ended up in an entirely different place than it began. I need to go to campus and study so I don't fail out of college in my last semester. Ice water and starlight mints, don't fail me now!

Fast Time!

I have spent the past two weeks frolicking through a mass of grease and sugary goodness arm and arm with Mia. It's gross. AND it didnt even work. So its fast time.

I remember my most successful fast had a few key things.

1. Water. Ice Water. Lots of it.

Drinking ice water constantly keeps down hunger, and keeps your metabolism up. Ice water is my best friend.

2. Mints

Sounds weird, but its true. You constantly suck on those hard candy mints (The circular red and white or green and white ones) for several reasons. It's technically candy, so it makes you feel like you're cheating which makes it easier not to eat real food. Also, they're only like 5 calories a pop so you can go through a small bag a day for less than 500 calories. Finally, and this one is what's really awesome, for some reason these mints help stomach aches and help your focus. So all the hunger pains and drowsiness aren't as harsh as they normally would be. You'll also be grateful for the fresh breath when the toxins start escaping through your saliva, like it does with me.

3. Exercise

Exercise right after you wake up to get a metabolism boost early in the day. Plus you'll get a shot of endorphins which'll help keep your spirits up during the fast. Don't overdo it though, because your body won't be able to handle as much exercise the farther into a fast you get.

I usually do better when I smoke, too, but I'm trying to avoid that. Smoking is bad! My lungs need to be healthy for wrestling. I can't keep puffing away like I do or I'm screwed. Especially when I'm going to be cutting out food so my body will be weak anyways. Ughhhh but for some reason I never lose weight when I'm not smoking! Its exasperating! I don't get it! GAH! We'll just see what happens today with not smoking and go from there. Ugh.

107 ptg

ABC?

Everytime I start ABC I usually epicly fail. Buuuuuut we're going to give it a go anyways. I've had 490 calories today, which just barely skates under the 500 limit. Considering over half of those were from green beans I don't feel too bad about it.

Just spent the last 7 hours doing homework. I pretty much want to punch myself in the face before throwing myself off the nearby overpass into oncoming traffic.

I hate college.

Back to homework. Roar.

We Can't Fix Ourselves

Aaaaand I'm back. Not entirely sure if I'm happy to be back. I shouldn't be.

I was doing well with eating, and lifting weights. I wasn't losing pounds, but I was toning up hardcore. Then I started going back to wrestling class, and I couldn't do any moves because my shoulder was sore from weight training. So my trainer made me stop.

I have 18 credit hours and a night job. I barely have time to breathe, much less exercise (only cardio now. Thanks broken collarbone!). So my natural response was to just stop eating. My trainer always makes me eat when I'm around him, which sucks... But when Im at home? Anything I put in my mouth makes me feel gross. I have to purge it afterwards. But I was still trying to convince myself eating was okay so I kept binging and purging. Now my mouth is sore. Ugh. So Im going back to just not eating. Harder, but way more effective. I have about 108 pounds left to lose. Am I happy to be sinking back into my ED? No... But I am happy to be back on this blog! Always makes me feel way more accountable for my actions.

And the sad, sad fact is I missed it...

SO, today thus far have had about 100 calories worth of Greek yogurt. All I have in my apartment is greek yogurt and canned veggies. See also: college life. Hopefully means I can't go too far astray, especially since I dont have any freaking money. We shall see...

Sorry this post was mostly rambling nonsense. I'll try and collect my thoughts a little better before the next one, haha!

Love all you ladies! Can't wait to catch up on your blogs, but for now... homework! :-(

Dumb Dumb Dumb

Pretty sure I failed that 2 week 10 pound challenge. Can't remember exactly when it ends/ended but there's no way. This weekend sucked. Had about 1000 calories Friday but didn't really do anything all day. Saturday walked 6 miles but had a ridiculous amount of sushi. Sunday had a salad and walked maybe 2 miles? Doesn't sound ridiculously bad, but it was enough to give me back a pound instead of losing the last couple to reach my goal.

Fie on food.

Talked to my mom on the phone yesterday. I'll be flying back home to the O-H-I-O on August 6th. Woot! Which means I have 26 days left here to lose some weight. Good news? I have around 13/14 meals left. So if I just eat every other day I should be okay. And by meal I mean a package of ramen. lol.

Once I get back I'll have to be super careful while home til I get to my apartment back at school. Will have to locate excuse to go to wrestling class early and get some exercise in. Hmmmm

Anyways, ticked at weekend. Now at work for one stupid meeting while I waste the rest of my day. Le sigh.

F Me

F restaurants. F them to hell. And F me. F me for being pissed at myself for eating probably a half cup of vegetables and like a teaspoon of salad dressing. And two pickle wedges. I wanted to cry. I felt so fat just eating that. What is wrong with me? I fele like I'm going to gain 5 pounds now. F. F. F. There's something seriously wrong with me. But Im so happy that food is so repulsize to me right now. Sick.

Day 3: 6 Pounds Later

WOOOOT! Day 3 of my fast, and still going strong. Yesterday I had about 60-70 oz of water and diet tea. I have not ingested calories in over 48 hours. :-) Hopefully today I'll be able to keep it up. I've lost 3 pounds each day of the fast. Don't know how well today will go, though. As of right now I am out of cigs. Might walk to the store on lunch and get some more. Burn some non-existant calories. Unless there's calories in espresso...? Hmmm...

Okay, just checked through the almight powers of Google. It said coffee/espresso (plain, without adding shit to it) is only like 3 calories. I can deal with that!

To everyone who is doing the 10 pounds/2 weeks challenge keep up the good work! I've got 7 pounds to go thanks to the holiday weekend. But this fast is going well, and I've got high hopes! The chance to be a Knockout is just too close to screw this up now...

Had yet another date with the green hunger creator last night, and still didn't give in! My will is strong... hahaha.

Might be going to Six Flags this weekend with my roommate and our friend from work. Im excited, but my roommate and I are both nervous. We are not pixies (It seems cruel that after losing like 136 pounds Im still not a pixie. But whatever). Sometimes we can't get into the damn rides. At least thats how it used to be for me. I know logically I should be able to now, but the old fear is still there... I wonder if it will ever go away?

On my effing period too. Sucky. But usually I don't lose weight on my period so maybe I'll drop like a beast once its over?

Done rambling for now... Going to go find some other way to waste my time at work. Boss is out of the office today through next Tuesday. At least that means 4 day w- scratch that. Just got told I gotta work on Monday. Balls.

Peace out!