Evil Warlord

9 lbs down in 3 days. Not too shabby if I don't say so myself. The fast is going pretty rocky, and I've stumbled a bit, but you can't argue with results. I wanted to exercise more this week, but I have a huge exam this afternoon I've been cramming for as well as getting all my other homework done. Something is working, though!

I did manage to exercise on Monday, but the downside is my shoulder has been hurting ever since. I really want to take a multi-vitamin so my shoulder (Which, for those of you who have not been paying attention, was broken in April) can get the calcium it probably requires to stop being a pain in my ass. But all I can think is: "If I give my stupid body what it needs it won't need to work as hard, and therefore I won't lose as much weight. This is unacceptable." And then I send my imaginary broken collarbone to the imaginary jail of my body as I feel like I am an evil warlord over it these days. I should just sit in my bedroom all day drinking mead while I plot further ways to destroy my body.

At least I haven't smoked in a week. Lungs... you have pleased me. You will be granted a reprieve. DON'T DISSAPPOINT ME! I'm super excited that I was able to lose weight without smoking. I almost went and bought cigarettes that first day because I was so afraid I wouldn't. I dont know what changed, or what I finally did right, but I'm grateful!

What's sad is last night I was laying in bed, feeling lightheaded. And everytime I get super lightheaded from lack of food I start getting scared. I mean, think about it. I'm laying there, already delirious from lack of sleep, lightheaded, feeling pretty weak, I can't talk normally because I've jabbed a toothbrush down my throat to throw up too much recently... There are just some nights I go to bed and genuinely worry I won't wake up. I was almost in tears. I wanted to call my boyfriend, but he would have forced me to eat somehow, so I didn't. And its moments like that that people who don't have an ED don't understand. All that not-waking-up-fear is terrible. But in my mind gaining weight is worse. So even though Im cowered in bed, fearing for my life I-WILL-NOT-EAT.

The really sad part is I dont want to be cured, because everytime I think about food I think about the Halloween costume I just bought that I look like a stuffed sausage in and I need to look good in it before Halloween. I think about wrestling, and how there aren't any fat female wrestlers who have contracts these days! And about how much fatter I used to be and I can't give up now. About that pair of jeans I just can't quite squeeze into yet...

Okay, this post ended up in an entirely different place than it began. I need to go to campus and study so I don't fail out of college in my last semester. Ice water and starlight mints, don't fail me now!