WHY?!?!

Wtf is going on? Whin I ate horrendously I lost a pound. When I ate 205 calories yesterday I only lost a couple ounces. Why is it stuck on 52?! Maybe I'm gaining muscle. I'm gonna stop doing strength training for a few days and stick with cardio. That's the only thing I can come up with to do. Other than that I'm pushing forward. Tomorrow starts week 2, and the second phase of the four week plan. This is what it entails:

Step 2: (One week)
* Decrease calorie intake to 500 cals a day
* If eaten more -> Vomit!
* 200 crunches a day
* 30 minutes swimming/cycling/skating/dancing a day
* Take weight loss pills


Again, Im probably going to make my own adjustments. Like the vomiting thing. Ive only done that once and I had a hell of a time trying to get myself to do it. The only time Im good at it is when I'm hungover (which happens quite often so you'd think I'd perfected it by now). Also, I'm poor... So I won't be taking weight loss pills. I occasionally take Dexatrim Max if I know I'm going to have a long day, but that's about it. I'm already eating well under 500 calories a day so I'm not too worried about that part. The 200 crunches are gonna be hard, hahaha. But I am gonna manage it. I will push through and make this work for me. My body may be putting up a fight right now, but it has to give in eventually. If not, I'll have to start fasting. Either way I will get where I want to be.

Stay Strong
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P.S. Sorry for no Thinspo lately... Blogger's compose new blog window has been screwed up for me for a few days. Hopefully it will get fixed soon.

Back On Track

Well today was a much better day. It was still pretty stressful in the beginning due to problems with my projects, but you know what? Not eating made me feel fantastic. When I got home I ate a veggie burger, (110 cals) a carrot (about 50. It was huge and organic, haha.), and a rice cake (45 cals). So only 205 calories today. :-) I worked out afterwards, both strength training and cardio. So all in all a good day!

I'm so excited for Halloween tomorrow! My best friend's baby turned one recently so I'm going trick or treating with them for his first Halloween outing. Being around all the candy is going to suck, but totally worth it to be there for the event. Afterwards will be a relaxed night in with the girls.

I was pretty jazzed today when I went to the grocery store. I'm fairly certain I can last two weeks on the food I bought today, and I only paid 30 dollars. Ana loves your wallet, haha! Most of what I bought was liquids! Slim Fast, V8 Juice, Green Tea... And lots of soup. And the best part of the grocery trip was when a guy looked me up and down as I walked in. If that isn't a morale booster I don't know what is, haha!

Stay Strong
<3>

Anger Is Fuel

Okay, I am still in the ROAR-ing phase, but after reading a blog by a girl who had the same problem as me I realized I am reacting to it entirely the wrong way. Yeah, it sucks. A lot. But it means I need to work harder. I always thought "starvation mode" was BS anyways. Unfortunately I have no excuse to not have dinner with my parents, but when I get back to my apartment I am going to work out till my legs fall off... Or at least as close to that as I can get until work.


Tomorrow I am getting right back on track. If I have to restrict myself to 250 I will. All I know is that I WILL ge that feeling back that Ive been having all week. The feeling of accomplishment. The feeling of my stomach tightening. The strange things I started noticing now that Im getting smaller than Ive ever been. I want it back. I will do whatever it takes to get there.


Take THAT, food.


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ROAR! Okay, I am ticked again. I woke up this morning after my ridiculously long day yesterday and I gained a pound! HOW THE HELL DID I GAIN A POUND?! I only had 260 calories yesterday! I came up with only two things that could have caused it. 1)I didn't get any exercise in yesterday. This is unlikely though as I was out and about all day. 2)My body went into starvation mode. So, today I'm eating a little more than I have been. Ive already had 360 calories, and Im eating dinner with my family tonight which is slow roasted chicken. If that doesn't work, and I stay the same, or, worse yet, gain more back tomorrow, I'm going to fast. I had to force myself to eat more today. It doesn't feel good. I'd rather starve myself and eat nothing than have to try and figure out the exact right amount it takes to not piss off your body, while also not eating too much. Annoying.


Sorry about the angst, but I am irked right now. Grrrr

This will be an uber short blog. I had two pieces of toast with I Can't Believe Its Not Butter on it at 8 a.m. this morning before I left my apartment. 250 calories. I JUST got home. The only other calories I had today were from two bottles of lemonade which were 5 cals each. I have been on the go all day and I only had 260 calories. Oy. I have to leave for work in like 12 minutes so I don't have time to exercise today, which is okay, cause I managed to get it in yesterday. Tomorrow I'll work my ass off, too. But Im really not too worried, because, like I said, Ive been on the move all freaking day. Not to mention having the added weight of my laptop in my backpack which I don't normally lug around, haha. There's my cardio! :-P

Im not doing anything really different, but my weight keeps dropping off faster and faster. I lost two pounds the first day, three the second, and four yesterday. How will today end up?? It makes me happy, but it kind of scares me too. I don't want to bitch about losing weight, but I hope its not going too fast. I don't want to injure myself. :-|

Oh well.

Stres, stress, stress...

Today has been CrAzY hectic. I woke up at 6:45, a good 45 minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off. I weighed myself, and found I'd lost another 3 pounds putting my total at 49. I really wished I'd lost just one more pound! Crossing the 50 pound mark is huge. I cannot wait until tomorrow. Even if I only lose one pound today I dont care. I just want to get past that mark.

I ate a piece of 12 grain toast for breakfast which is 100 calories, and soup for dinner which is 240. My total for today is 340 if I don't eat anything else, which I do not intend to. I really want to exercise, but I have a midterm to study for, and I'm supposed to go to a parade my friend is in as well. I'm going to try my hardest to get it done though. I worked out yesterday till my legs were about ready to collapse. I'm paying for that today, haha. My thighs have hurt alllll day!

Totally worth it, though. The pain coupled with the three pound drop would have given me an all day high if it weren't for the shit going on with school. Very irksome. Why does Final Cut Pro hate me? Oh yeah... It's not Final Cut Pro... Its the MACS. Oh, well...

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Two A Day Again??

Yeah, okay, I'm an official blog-aholic. Bite me. :-P Everything got fixed with my test. Apparently it didn't actually get fixed at 8:30 like we'd been told. Everyone else in the class had problems with it too. So we now all have until midnight tomorrow to retake it. Score!

I'm not as hungry as I thought I would be coming home today. And since we got out early from class due to the test problems, I'm going to do exercises today instead of using up my one free day. I may forego the carrots and just drink green tea throughout the night if the hunger doesn't get too bad. I got really excited today because I was walking to my car from class and I sighed and my stomach muscles kind of hurt. I probably shouldn't be happy about pain, but it was kind of a high to realize that I was strong enough to push myself to the point where my hunger and/or the crunches from yesterday caused my muscles to react. That tiny little victorious pang, coupled with the rapid speed with which I'm barreling towards my goal is enough to keep me going.

When that's not enough there's always quotes and thinspo:

"I only feel beautiful when I'm hungry."

"When you resist the pain of hunger, it means you're not a slave of your body."

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Venting

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! ROAR! Okay, now that that's out of the way... I am so pissed off! I tried to take a midterm online yesterday and the stupid test wouldn't work properly. SO, I emailed my teacher and my T.A. and I wrote down my answers for whenever they fixed the dumb thing. When did they fix it? 8:30 at night! After I'd already forgotten about the dumb thing!! It had to be done by midnight last night. I am fucked. Royally. That's what I get for trying to be a good student, right? Ugh.

Anyways, on a brighter note, lost two more pounds as of this morning bringing my grand total up to 46. Im debating on breakfast right now. Ill be in class from 8:30 a.m. til 6 p.m. and I know I will be literally STARVING if I dont eat anything til then, which will make vending machine temptations harder.

I am thinking I will eat a piece of 12 grain toast which is 100 calories, and a fit and active brand yogurt which is 90. I do NOT recommend the yogurt to people. Cheap, but disgusting. When I get home tonight, before 7 p.m. hits I'll eat carrots which will come out to approximately 30 calories. Im drinking green tea now which is zero. Today's total will be 210 cals. I need to do my crunches when I get home tonight. I had previously chosen today as the 7th day of the week that I didn't need to do cardio due to my busy schedule, but I think I'll wait and see how I actually feel since Wednesday is gonna be harder because I work at night.

Welp, gotta go get ready for class now! Maybe I won't have time to finish breakfast. :-)

ThInSpO

Day 1

Today started my new regime. It helped that I didn't wake up until 12:30 p.m. haha. In my defense, I was at work until 3 a.m. so its not like I slept for twelve hours or something outrageous like that. According to the five week plan that I'm following I am allowed to eat up to 1000 calories today. I've been sipping on green tea throughout the day. I highly recommend green tea to everyone. It has ZERO calories, boosts your metabolism, and (for me at least) helps to fill you up when even water fails. I heated up a can of fit and active soup (Hey, even a college-budget Aldi shopper can find healthy food) which is 240 calories alltogether. I only ate about half of it, and I'm saving the rest for 6:30ish tonight so that it will be easier to get through my evening. I'm not allowing myself to eat after 7 p.m. no matter what. It is much harder for your body to digest food after that time. Even yesterday when I ate my normal "diet" meals (Usually consisting of salads, turkey sandwiches, and yet more soup) I decided not to eat after 7 just to see how well I could control myself. I did really well, ate nothing, and lost three pounds! My weight loss to date (from the start of my healthy "diet" which was two months ago) is 44.4 pounds.

Also according to the five week plan is to exercise (obviously). During this first week I am supposed to do 100 crunches a day and 2 hours of running a week. I did my crunches, but for several reasons I am exchanging the running out for alternate cardio sources. One reason being I was diagnosed with sciatica several years ago, and running for extended periods of time tends to make me hunch over like an old lady. Two, it is flipping FrEeZiNg outside! Screw that. Three, and the main reason, is that I am much too overweight right now to even consider RUNNING for longer than like a minute. However, I know how important exercising is, so here is how I've chosen to replace running:

2 hours of cardio a week equals about 20 minutes a day for 6 days. I have an exercise video that keeps you on your feet, and moving, for 20 straight minutes. After that, on three of those days I'm going to do strength training as well. I believe this is an even trade.

Welp, that's all for my first day. Gotta go do my cardio!

~ThInSpO~

Hunger Makes Me Happy

I am tres excited that I am getting hungry right now. It ticked me off before, because it meant that I had to eat. But now I'm seeing that one doesn't automatically lead to the other. Just because I'm hungry doesn't mean I have to eat. I am strong enough to push through hunger. It does NOT control me.

It will never control me again.

The Beginning: October 24, 2009

I've been on a "diet" for just over two months.

Yes, I've lost 40 pounds.

Yes, that's grand.

But I'm sick of feeling guilty for eating a salad. I'm sick of feeling like a pig when I eat dried fruit in the halls in between classes at school. Mostly I'm sick of being fat. I've been fat for 21 years, and I'm done with it.

So, I figured, if eating food makes me feel like crap, then why do I do it?

If exercise makes me feel good, then why don't I do it more?

So, starting tomorrow I am going to start living a Pro Ana lifestyle. It seems the only logical option at this point. I want to be a stronger person that others won't look at with disgust. I'm going to try starting out with this four week initiation type of plan I found at http://proanalifestyle.blogspot.com/2007/07/5-week-plan-to-start-off-with-ana.html . But according to this plan you're supposed to consume around 7,000 cals the first week. I am a poor college student, and I'm not getting paid til next Friday. I added up the amount of calories in all the food in my apartment and it doesn't even get close to the 5,000 cal mark. Looks like I'll be getting a head start.

Wish me luck.

Starve on.