I've Missed You

Holidays suck. I mean, I love spending time with my family and stuff like that. But food wise, they suck. I have gained sooo much poundage back. I am a very unhappy camper right now. I think I'm going to try and embrace ana while I'm at home, too, starting tomorrow. I just can't keep eating food. It is disgusting. Thinspo, help me!

The WWE Divas are my biggest thinspo, seriously. My friend (who is the size of a twig, btw) and I want to be Divas someday. I want a body like theirs.

Nerves

My mom just left to go back to the hospital because the nurse is afraid she has a post-op blood clot in her leg. FML. Why can't everything just be okay?

My friends asked me to go to Chicago for New Years, but she said I couldn't go because of money. And fuck it all, I can't even be mad at her because she's recovering! I want to do my internship, but its going to make life a living hell til I go... IF I even get it at all. If I don't my friend Ashley and I are going to go work in Washington for the summer. I kind of hope I don't get it... I want to go to Washington with my friend!

I've lost 10 lbs so far on this cabbage soup thing despite the fact I've cheated like the past two days. Oh well. As long as its still working. Maybe Christmas won't totally eff me over like I thought? I can dream...

Stay Strong

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Better Than A Gain...

I only lost one pound. Which is kind of annoying. Since you're supposed to lose 10-15 pounds in a week. My body is gonna have some catching up to do. Majorly. One exam to do today along with packing to go home, two tomorrow, sell back my books tomorrow, and then hoooooome I go! And hopefully my mom will be coming home too.

Cabbage soup sucks, fyi.

Cabbage Soup

I started the cabbage soup diet today. I have mixed feelings about it. I mean, who doesn't like the idea of being able to eat as much as you want and still lose weight? Well, someone who's spent the last month or so training themselves to hate food, and see the ingestion of it as a failure for starters. I understand the logic behind it. The soup is all negative calorie stuff, as is most of the alternate foods your supposed to eat each day of the diet. I get it. I do. However, its still really hard for me to believe that I can eat so much food and still lose as much weight as they say you will. It goes against my whole thought process. But I gained so much stupid weight back over the past week I'm willing to try it. Besides, I don't really have any other choices once I go home.

Guess we'll see how it goes. If it works as well as it says it does, I may just stick with this til I lose it all.

Fear

I soooo do not want to step on the scale tomorrow. Home/Holidays=Death to diet. Oh well. I start my cabbage soup diet on Wednesday. My mom says she lost like 20 pounds when she did it, but SHE wasn't previously starving herself. MY body is probably going to hold onto whatever I eat for dear life. Luckily break will lure it into a false sense of security and then WHAM! Once Im back at the apartment, its fasting time again. :-)

Happy time again.

There's Just No Easy Is There?

Okay, apparently sushi does not have some mystical connection to weight loss as I gained FOUR FREAKING POUNDS back yesterday. What the hell is going on? Gr. I ate around 1000 calories today, and I'm going home for the next two days so I'll be eating again. Next week is a four day fast during exams, then home for a month where Ill be on the cabbage soup diet.

Just shoot me.

P.S. I hate my effing roommates. I'm in a shitty mood, and its really hard to deal with it and get past it when your roommates are laughing their asses off in the room next to you. Grrrrrrr!

I'm done.

So weird...

81 pounds down. I ate sushi yesterday and then calamari salad and Doritos. I purged some of the Doritos, but I doubt very many. Somehow I still lost weight. So today I went and bought sushi again, haha. Let's see if sushi is the magic combo! :-P That would be epic, as I adore sushi. Too bad its so freaking EXPENSIVE! The fat person I still am wanted to finish off the Doritos sooo badly, even though after I scarfed them down yesterday I thought "These don't even taste that good... They don't taste nearly as good as waking up in the morning and being lighter." In any case, the Ana in me panicked and grabbed mustard and salad dressing and poured them in the bag of Doritos til they were inedible.

I'm getting better at keeping my stupid mouth shut. Even better at lying too. I went with my friend (the one who gets pissed when I say how I don't eat) to get his new tattoo, and then Christmas shopping. He got in to his usual tirade about my lack of food, but I told him I ate Doritos yesterday. I didn't mention I'd purged them of course. Somehow he still wasn't satisfied. I think he's just pissed because he fails at diets every other week, while I'm dropping pounds at a quick rate. I made sure to buy my sushi in front of him anyways. Better safe than sorry.

Ladedadeda

Study. Starve. Study. Binge. Purge. Study. Starve. STUDY!

I hate exam time. Can it be winter break now?

80 down. :-)

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Well That Blows

I didn't eat anything yesterday, but I didn't lose anything either. What the hell? How annoying is that? It might be due to the stress of exams coming up next week, and all the studying and projects I'm doing (I swear I'm getting them done despite the current procrastination-driven blogging). But seriously, if I don't lose anything today either I'm gonne be pretty pissed off. I'm pissed off a lot. :-( I don't try to be, but I just seem to get really angry lately. Its probably pent up anger, because I never show my anger or frustration when I'm with friends. I feel like I have so few appealing qualities as a friend, I can't add my temper into the mix.

I suck.

Ana > Mia

As far as food consumption goes I haven't done well, but as far as weight goes, it's been fantastic. I've lost 19 lbs in 6 days. But not all of those days have been fasting. I binged and purged for the past two. Which was stupid, but it worked at least, which I'm eternally grateful for. I'm planning on just plain fasting til my birthday.

Definitely need to start lying about how much weight I've lost. My mother about had a heart attack yesterday when I told her I've lost 75 lbs. Prooobably because I told her I'd only lost 62 earlier in the week. Which was true at the time. Truth is a really bad idea at this point. The good thing is that, unlike most Ana's I know, I'm NOT already close to my goal. I'm nowhere near it. They're mostly struggling with ten, twenty... maaaaaybe thirty pounds. I have 195 left to lose. So even if my parents are worried that I'm losing weight too fast... They won't say anything about it. Because they know how hard it is to be overweight. They want me to succeed. They'll convince themselves that I'm being healthy even if it is blatantly obvious that I'm not. As long as they see me eat they're fine. They just don't know that after I eat with them I go home and throw it up. Here's hoping they never find out.

Stay Strong

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69 point whatever down... I wish it was like August or September or... Any month except December. Because then I wouldn't have to go to Birthday dinners. Completely unnecessary calories. Grr.

I got in a big fight with my friend last night. One of the two that knows about the little ED issue. He pretty much cussed me out and told me to effing eat something. So I lied and told him I did. :-) I haven't eaten anything since Sunday. Woooooot! I accidentally forgot to set my phone as an alarm only ringer as opposed to silence soooo I completely slept through my alarm this morning and missed my only class. Which on one side isn't a big deal, because they aren't official classes til next week. There's no lecture. We're just supposed to be working on our projects. But on the other side its one of those teachers that will look at you in the hall like you are Satan's spawn for not showing up. And I have to ask him every time I need to get into the lab. Ugh. This is gonna be a fun two weeks. If I just get my project done I won't have to worry about it anymore.

I have so much shit to get done. :-(

I think I'm going to go for a walk later and get some exercise. I only lost three pounds yesterday which kind of sucks. But its better than nothing. I wish I knew where my tennis shoes were so I could run instead of walk. Blaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Stay Strong

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8 Down

8 Pounds In Two Days
Ana Never Fails Me
She's The Only One
Gotta Keep It Up
0 Calories Is Success
Even One Is Failure
Goodnight
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:-)

I think I must be a masochist, because I thoroughly enjoy the pain that goes along with fasting. It means my body is getting rid of the weight, and that makes me :-D

Im on day 2 of my fast. I'm pretty much going to be fasting til Winter Break, but with two brief interruptions. ALL of my family's birthdays are in December. We're going out to eat on Saturday to Red Lobster. I'm currently looking up healthy meals I can have there, so it won't be too bad. Then for my birthday I'm getting Chinese. I don't know what I'm going to do when Christmas Break rolls around. :-( I'm hoping we'll be too busy taking care of Mom after her surgery for anyone to notice I'm not eating much.

We'll see.

62 lbs down total. Not good, but not bad.

Stay Strong.

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