Period.

Stupid effing period always gums up the works. How annoying.

I'm going to see the counselor again tomorrow. Its my first official appointment. I really need to lie about my eating habits. I have way more, cooler, sadder problems for her to be concerned with than this. And those problems are much more difficult for me to take. So I think she should do her fricking job and fix me.

P.S. My Dad is now on Facebook. And MySpace. Ser.i.ous.ly? My Dad thinks Im such a good little girl, that I don't do anything he wouldn't approve of. What a load of crap. I've made out with chicks when I'm drunk (I'm straight, I swear, haha), as well as made out with (and further) with two different guys over my spring break (I swear I'm not a slut either... Just have saying no issues... Hence the counselor) and am eagerly anticipating getting a tattoo after my college graduation along with a nose piercing once I move safely out of disowning range. He also doesn't realize that my life's dearest ambition is to be a TNA Knockout or a WWE Diva, because the only two times I've been truly happy in life have been when I was on stage performing and when I was in karate class. Mix the two together and what do you get? A sports entertainer.

HENCE WHY MY PERIOD NEEDS TO GO AWAY SO MY WEIGHT CAN GO DOWN.

Ugh... Im getting an iced caffe mocha from Starbucks. No worries, use nonfat milk, and get no whipped cream and its only about 200 calories. That'll be it for the day then. I need to relearn how to fast. I miss it. Screw this binging crap.

Smoke

The last week I smoked I lost 20 lbs.

The week I quit I lost 9.

To smoke or not to smoke... This is the question. How sick AM I? This will tell me, won't it?

Tired

Do you ever just get tired of life? I'm so tired...

Definition

I've come to the conclusion that Mia is way more addictive than Ana. Which is really not good. My throat is raw. I keep telling people its because I walked home in the rain the other day and now I'm sick. Which is possible. But I'm 99.9% certain its because I keep jabbing the end of a toothbrush down my throat and throwing up masses of food. Just a hunch. It frustrates me that I've become so weak. Why can't I go back to fasting like I used to? I got through a good 10-12 days before! Why can I not get through even one now. I think part of the trick is to start fasting on a day when you're really busy. Don't have time to eat. That way when day two rolls around you'll be like "Oh, well, I already made it through one day. I don't want to ruin it now." Once you get past day 3 it gets so much easier...

I keep waking up so determined to fast, but then the cravings get ridiculous. Im hopeing I've exhausted every possible craving I migh get for awhile. I just need to fast til Easter. Then Im going home for a big dinner with the family. And she's making up an Easter basket for me... I can guarantee it. Cruel...

Hope everyone else is doing better, and not hating yourselves as much as I hate myself this morning. I can take the hunger, the lightheadedness... Those don't define me. It's the hate that defines me, and no one should be defined that way.

Been Awhile

I've been avoiding my blogging as I have been sneaking around Ana's back with Mia. Sometimes she's just easier to take. But it still makes me feel like a failure. I blabbed to my counselor that I'm anorexic. Shiz. I need to start lying, and saying I started eating. This is one issue that I don't want to fix right now. Not till I'm skinny.

Despite my affair with Mia I've still lost 20 pounds this past week. Which sounds cool, til you realize that's about how much I gained back over spring break. Stupid break. I think I'm gonna start walking to campus instead of driving. Since I hate exercise with such a fiery passion it might help me get mine. I need it, no matter how much I hate it.

I've eaten some fruit this week. And I still lost lots of weight. So maybe I should grab some fruit tomorrow after class. Its like fruit doesn't count, haha. I know, I know, everything counts. But maybe fruit will help me not plateau. My body won't be able to go into survival mode because it IS getting food. Hmmm... Im just thinking through my fingers. Anyways, I'm tired. Time to go to bed so I can get up early and trek to campus. Woot!

Manifest Destiny

I purge salad...

How sick is that?

Highlight of the day: two celebs following me on Twitterrrrrr! Yeah, totally not ana related, haha. I still feel boss. Oh, and I also have a date today. Yet the Twitter thing is still the highlight, haha. Because on the date... Im gonna have to lie my ass off. Great start to a relationship, right? LYING! I've been as truthful with him as possible in all other areas, but in this one... I just say I'm on a diet. Shit. This is why I don't want a fricking relationship right now.

Also because I'll be in L.A. this summer, and then hopefully moving there in the winter. I don't want any more ties to Ohio. Ugh...

Whatever. It'll work out. Hopefully.

First Days Blow

The first day of a fast always suuuuuuuuucks! But on a good note: I'M GOING TO L.A. THIS SUMMER! I jsut found out I got an internship for the summer with E! If that isnt thinspo, I don't know what is. I'm going to be at the mothership of beautiful people. I NEED to be thin and beautiful. Want isn't even in my vocabulary anymore. This is necessary.

I just wish the first day wasn't so damn hard.

Cyanide; Living Dead Inside

Fasting starts again today. Wish spring break was longer, and at the same time glad its over. It is sooooo much easier not to eat when you're busy. I am so not going to make my GW by the end of this semester. MAYBE by June... Which is sad.

I didnt have time to make my list of everything that is wrong with me over the weekend, so I'm going to do that today. Along with a list of stuff to do instead of eating.

I will be successful. I will not eat until I plateau. And then I won't go overboard like I did this week. Ugh...

Maybe I'll post my list later... SO ya'll can see what a fruit loop I really am.

Fuck This Life

I feel like my heart has been ripped out, and crushed... My insides are all twisted around. And yet... I feel empty and broken.

My friend's roommate and I were hanging out this week... He promised he wouldn't force me into anything sexual... He promised he'd be different.

He lied.

I dont see how its fair that I should be taken advantage of not once, but twice in my life. Do I have "Low Self Esteem: You Can Fuck Her Without Her Consent" written on my forehead?

Boys lie.

I'm going to go write down every damn thing that's wrong with me and what I need to do to fix it. I need to focus on perfection. Because focusing on boys gets you raped.

One Stupid Piddling Pound

Ever since I started taking vitamins again I've only been able to lose one pound a day. In order to reach my goal by summer break I need to lose 2.1 pounds a day. Not cool. Can the vitamins do that? Its also around the time I stopped smoking (this time, haha). I've heard that can do it, but I don't know... It also might be a plateau... WHICH THE FUCK IS IT?!?! Gah. I'm not going to take vitamins today. Don't have money for cigs. Gonna call my parents and make them take me out for sushi. Oh, and pay my phone bill. Ugh. I hate having people pay for me. I feel so helpless. I can't stand that feeling. I need to call the Krav Maga place this weekend. Krav Maga is how Michelle McCool works out, and have you SEEN Michelle McCool????

Point made. Have a great day ya'll.

One? Really? ONE?!

I get really irritated when randomly during a fast I lose one pound instead of my usual 3. Even 2! The only thing I did differently yesterday was take my vitamins that I had completely been forgetting about. I feel totally discouraged. Which is dangerous for me. When I feel discouraged I binge. The only thing that is saving me from that is that I have a 3-4 page paper to write tonight. If I still barely lose anything tomorrow, though, I'm in trouble. Two of my classes are cancelled, so I only have my 1:30-2:20 class. Only 50 minutes of my life will not be spent sitting in my apartment. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Ana, save me.