I Dreamed A Dream In Time Gone By; When Hope Was High And Life Worth Living

I had a dream about my blog last night... Yes. I am one of those freaks, haha!


In other news, ABC is going well, though I don't know how well it will be going today. My friend and I are going out to the bar tonight to watch the Royal Rumble pay-per-view (GO MATT HARDY!!!) I really don't have money for food... But I do have like a dollar in change... which is the cost of a big pretzel at the bar... Which I almost always get at the pay-per-views... Its like my thing. I need to perservere tonight! No pretzels! No food period! (At least not bar food).


I'm allowed 400 calories today, but that's all of the food left in my apartment. FML. I think I'm going to try having 100 a day (except Tuesday because that is a fasting day on ABC). That will keep me til I get paid. Or, I'll have 200 calories of my own food today, get some crackers or something with my change on campus tomorrow (since I'm allowed 500). And then fast Tuesday, and have 100 on Wednesday and Thursday. That won't be putting me so far under what I'm supposed to be eating. I know that ABC says you can obviously eat less than those daily amounts, but I also know from experience that staggering your caloric intake helps keep your body burning shit up, because it has no idea how many calories it's going to get.


Keep the traitor guessing.


It's been awhile since I posted thinspo:

You're Just Another Star That's Burnt Out Too Quickly

I failed epicly on ABC yesterday. Yes, epicly. My piddling little excuse this time is that I gave blood, so I was feeling sick. So my friend (yeah, that butthead friend who knows my dirty little secret) talked me into going and getting food. I have pretty good willpower when I'm by myself... But with my friends? It goes on vacation. The silver lining is that I still managed to lose 4 pounds. So we shall continue on the road of ABC! At least til Sunday when I officially run out of food... Uh oh...

Time for another I hate emotions vent. I really, truly do. So yesterday this same friend was trying to convince me that these two guys were flirting with me. And I was (and still am) convinced that they were not. I mean, come on... Cute guys like that do NOT flirt with fatasses like me!! That's not how the world works. I learned that lesson a long time ago. One of the guys is in my class, okay? This is a problem. Why? Because when I even get a glimmer of hope, and think that maybe, just maybe, someone likes me, my subconscious and emotions latch onto that feeling and hold on for dear life. This body was made to dream, but I figured out long ago that dreams don't come true for girls who look like me. But it doesn't matter what I know in my brain. My subconscious doesn't care. I had an effing dream about the guy last night. Like... seriously? LEAVE ME ALONE, EMOTIONS! JE DETESTE TU!! I am going to give my friend the effing bitch-out of his life today. At least I don't have to worry about the second guy. I'll never see him again. He was just the guy giving blood next to me at the drive.

Which, p.s., gave me an immense feeling of good karma, haha! Success! Anyways, today is 300 calories! When you fall off the horse, you gotta get right back on, and that's what I'm doing. So I'll most likely be eating a bag of 100 calorie popcorn and a can of soup (150) today... As all I have left in the apartment besides that one can of soup IS microwave popcorn... Yeah... I'm a college student, haha!

So hold your head high gorgeous,

People would kill to see you fall,

In the dead of the night they can't hear you screaming

You swear revenge, against them all.

So stay strong beautiful

It won't matter if they think less of you here,

But you cry by the window when wishes in moonlight don't come true

Doesn't mean you have to fear.

So never take the words he said to heart darling,

He has no idea what he meant,

To you it meant a life time,

To him, a lie worth less than a cent.

So don't drown yourself in what you call medicine honey,

It will only do you harm,

because you never got drunk enough to get him off your mind.

So don't believe you will never amount to anything sweetie,

You truly have no idea what you're worth,

I see what you're trying to hide from me,

I understand how much you're hurt.

So don't be afraid to crumble love,

Have you even forgotten who you are?

You walk around thinking you aren't beautiful,

The truth could never have been more far...

So when you forget about him,

Don't regret the pain you felt,

It'll only make you better

And you'll know how to play the hand you're dealt.

So hold your head high gorgeous,

Show the world you're fine,

Don't give in to the heartache,

Because people would kill to see you fall...

-Author Unknown

Do You See My Face, Sad Behind My Smile. Fake It For Awhile, Tell Me What Should I Do?

FINALLY ABC is paying off! Lost two pounds yesterday. I guess the period curse is over. Man, I hope I didn't just jinx myself. Another plus? I'm looking at 5 days of a good night's sleep! That hasn't happened since school started! That should definitely help with the weight loss. I read in multiple places that you won't lose weight if you're not getting enough sleep. I have a feeling that 4 hours a night is not enough. Yay for sleep!


I'm on day 5 of ABC today which is 100 calories. Kind of sucks, haha, but I'm used to fasting so shouldn't be TOO bad! I ate an apple, which is the bulk of my allowance. If I get hungry later I'll snack on jell-o.


Time to go do homework... The sooner I'm done the sooner I can sleep. :-P



ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......

You Got To Fight Just To Make It Through, Because I Will Be The Death Of You...

ABC is failing... Or my period is causing it to fail. Or my erratic sleep patterns. Or do I need to exercise? It' s just been so hectic...

"Excuses..."

I wake up at 6:30, go to class til 2:30, do homework till 8, nap til 11, at work til 3, go to bed, then do it again.

"Excuses..."

I guess I'm going to try and get as much homework stuffed into the time between classes today so that I can exercise instead of doing that after class. Maybe that will help. Then again, if it really is just my period affecting the plumbing, then I'm screwed, and working out and still not getting results will be totally disheartening.

"STOP MAKING EXCUSES!"

That's right... Just shut up, eat your air, then work it off on the treadmill and pretend that you'll be happy someday. You damn well know you won't be.

"I'm A Mess of Insecurities...

...Attention Starved With A Narcissistic Twist"

So I deduced a problem with thise whole ABC thing... I don't get paid again until February 5th. The total calorie count of food in my apartment? 1250. That will, at best, get me through day 7. Which will be this Sunday. Which means I'll be going on an unintentional 4 day fast. Crud. I'm all for fasts normally, but that was exactly what I was trying to avoid by doing ABC. I don't want my stupid metabolism to shut down. Oh well... Nothing I can do about it. Now, though, I'm just trying to decide whether to start ABC all over again after I get paid, or just pick back up on day 8. I guess I'll just have to see how the weight loss goes til then.

Which brings me to my current irritation: Periods! Nothing is quite as disheartening than your stupid period making you gain weight. Muchos annoying. Sometimes being a female sucks. I need some serious thinspo. My inspiration in life, health, and style: Ashley Massaro!

Stay Strong!

I Choose Death Before Dishonour

It's been a couple days since I started eating again to boost my metabolism. I am one pound heavier than I was last week when the eating pretty much started (with a brief fast that did diddly-squat). I don't want to go straight back to fasting just yet because I'm kind of petrified of my metabolism shutting down again. Instead, I'm going to do this ABC Diet I've been hearing about people doing and losing tons of weight. Basically it goes like this:

Day 1: 500 calories (or less)

Day 2: 500 calories (or less)

3. 300

4. 400

5. 100

6. 200

7. 300

8. 400

9. 500

10. Fast

11. 150

12. 200

13. 400

14. 350

15. 250

16. 200

17. fast

18. 200

19. 100

20. fast

21. 300

22. 250

23. 200

24. 150

25. 100

26. 50

27. 100

28. 200

29. 200

30. 300

31. 800

32. fast

33. 250

34. 350

35. 450

36. fast

37. 500

38. 450

39. 400

40. 350

41. 300

42. 250

43. 200

44. 200

45. 250

46. 200

47. 300

48. 200

49. 150

50. fast

It is at this point I would like to say a big FU to blogspot for not allowing copying and pasting, haha. Anyways, I'm sad and ecstatic at the same time. One of my really good friends is leaving for Texas this week. Sadness. :-( But I'm ecstatic because last night at her going away party I was laying on the ground with some of my friends. We had a kind of triangle-laying thing going on (Did that sound as dirty to ya'll as it did to me?) where our heads were in each other's laps. My friend Andrew though, was leaning against my arm and my chest. And when I moved my arm he was like "God, you have such a bony arm!" Inside I was like YES!!!!!!!!! Andrew is my effing hero. And my friend Sam kept telling me how gorgeous I was. Albeit, I don't usually trust drunk talk too much (who ISN'T gorgeous when you're wasted??) but that's the third time in a week that someone has told me that I'm pretty. I think there's something in the water here... LoL!

Anyways, time for me to go get some homework accomplished. Tomorrow (assuming my stupid professor gives me my letter of reccommendation) I turn in my application for the internship this summer at E! in Los Angeles! Please send me good vibes tomorrow!!!

Stay Strong!

We Can Save Ourselves, We Don't Need Your Help, You Can't Stop Us

You know what's annoying? Going on a three day fast and not losing any weight. That's annoying. So I figure my metabolism isn't working right because when you fast it slows way way down. To try and fix it I went to the store and got some fruits, veggies, and Healthy Choice soup (which lets be honest, is broth with speckles of real food in it). I'm going to just eat that shiz for a few days. Not many calories, but should boost my metabolism back up by luring my body into a false sense of security. Make it think its going to continue getting food. Silly, silly body.




I seriously see my body as the enemy. I plot. I strategize against it. I research ways to break it down until it is nothing. Til I am nothing. Because until that happens I am going to stay the girl with the pretty face with the body that doesn't match. Seriously. I'm not being conceited. I never thought of myself as pretty til my friends told me I have a pretty face.



"Once you slim it down you will be beautiful. Absolutely stunning."




If these people had any idea... Any notion of what those words create. It sickens me that my friends think about these things. How many times have they looked at me and thought "That's a shame... What a waste of a face."



Fuck.

Metabolism, you'd better effing start up, because this girl needs a fast. Soon.

I need to save my face, right? Friends?

Emotions Suck

How can I get so emotional over someone I've never met? I have serious issues, and not just of the ED kind. I now admit that this is an ED, not exactly a choice. But it half is. The reason I'm so overweight is because I'm a compulsive eater. In High School and College I always switched between overeating compulsively and restricting. So I guess, subconsciously, I picked the ED that I could live with. I CANNOT live with being fat anymore. I just can't. I am fully aware that both of my issues lead to the grave if they aren't helped... But for right now... I just have to stick with the one I can deal with.

But anyways. I get ridiculously attached to people, and then when they dissappoint me (and they always do), I completely break down. I lose myself in other people. ALL the time. So I decided I need a hobby. Yes, this seems like a dumb conclusion... Bear with me. The way I see it, if I can find something that I truly love. Not because the person I am currently attached to loves it, or because it's something I THINK I should love based on the person I'm trying to be. Something I GENUINELY adore. Then it can be mine. I can put myself into something so that when people dissappoint me... I still have myself.

Of course there's my ED, and my obsession with perfection, but that's not exactly something I want to cultivate. I'm thinking martial arts. I took Ryukyu Kempo in High School and I loved it. I HATE exercise, but I absolutely loved Karate. There's a Judo school in my town, and I think I'm going to check it out. I just hope it isn't too expensive... Whoever says money doesn't buy happiness was an idiot.

Take My Hand, We're Off To Never-Never Land

Home always screws me up. Ugh! There's no way I'm going to be able to meet my goal by tomorrow. After quickly trying to purge the last thing I ate at home when I got back to the apartment I was a staggering 4 pounds heavier. Like... WTF?! Okay, no, I'm not really surprised... Just... dissappointed. I need to stop going home. End of story. Dyeing my hair right now, then need to clean the room up... At least I won't be sitting around the rest of the night. That wouldn't help at all. Tomorrow back to my lovely fasting. But I know what's going to happen... What always happens. My body will refuse to drop pounds even though it isn't getting any food and then I'll get frustrated, and eat. And I hate myself, because I know that it happens everytime yet I can't seem to stop it. Why can't I stop getting frustrated so easily??

In This Moment I'm Lonely, Fulfilling My Darkest Dreams...

I hate my schedule. Really, and truly hate it. The class part of it isn't bad. I have class from around 9:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. everyday. However, due to the fact that I couldn't work over break, and I will have to cut back on it again soon due to working on the documentary for my practicum I am trying to fit in 4-5 days of work. Which wouldn't be bad... If I didn't usually have to work 12-3 a.m. Which means I go to class... come home... sleep... work... sleep.... Then get up and do it again. I have no time for anything else. Which sucks.

But then yesterday I thought... But, wait! That means I don't have time to eat either... Which is totally true, and totally awesome. It is a lot easier to fast (which I am) when I'm out of the apartment all the time. Plus, I work at security, so they mostly need us on weekends. Which means I won't be able to go home nearly as often as I used to. Which sucks, because I will miss my parents (as crazy as they made me over break). But is awesome because I wont have to go home and eat.

I have a tentative plan to get me to my goal weight. Its rather simple. DON'T EAT. I have chart listing various goals that will get me down to 120 (124 is underweight for my height). Once I reach each goal (which should take approximately ten days each at the rate I'm going of 2 pounds a day) I can eat something that day to both make sure I don't DIE, and to perk up my metabolism briefly. Sounds like a pretty solid plan to me. The only bad thing will be if my loss slows down to a pound a day or less... Then I will have to fast for 20 days or more... Which could get really rough. I don't know if I could do that...

Ana whispers, "You can."

CW: 303

GW1: 300

GW2: 250

GW3: 200

GW4: 180

GW5:160

GW6: 140

GW7: 120

Stupid Gyro...

...Why must you be so delicious? Oh well. Its going to take a couple days to get back to where I was before I consumed the greasy goodness from South Side Six (stupid, stupid, amazing comfort food). I haven't eaten in two days, ever since I had the gyro, and the accomplishment feels great. School is stressful, but at least it gets me out of the house, and walking around campus for exercise. When it gets warmer I am going to try walking to class instead of driving to get even more of a workout.

One thing that happened today helped convince me Im doing the right thing. I took the school bus today to class, because I hadn't picked up my commuter parking pass yet, and I'd already gotten two tickets about it (my mom is going to kill me, btw). Since I was picking it up today I decided not to push my luck, and trekked to the bus stop. On my way home in the afternoon the bus was PACKED! I had no idea so many people took the shuttle! Well, a cute guy sat down with me! I know this sounds really junior high, but for a girl who's always been made fun of by assjack guys or taken advantage of because they think you're desperate, having a guy sit with you and just TALK without trying to get in your pants was huge for me!

Great day! <3

Problem

Why do I binge and purge? I hate all parts of it... So why do I do it?

I am so weak...

P.S.

Im back to getting random flashes of lightheadedness.... Why do I love it so?

Because it tells me my one true friend Ana is back.

While all my other friends leave me behind. At least I'm not alone.

A Little Fall Of Rain...

Les Miserables is depressing. Especially when you're already depressed. Just saying...

Anyhoo, had a sort of bad day yesterday. (P.S. When did a "bad day binging" become weight watchers popcorn and soup? I really am sick...) I probably ate around 1000 calories, but, my little Mia friend took care of some of that. Nevertheless I still only lost 2 lbs. Which is better than nothing I suppose. Unfortunately, there's no way in hell I'm going to reach my GW1 before classes start. Unfortunate. But things could be worse.

AND CAN I PLEASE ASK THE MALE GENDER TO KEEP THEIR DICKS IN CHECK?! I am so SICK of guys trying to get into my pants!!!!!!!!!! Stop it already! I don't want to hop into bed with you, you asshole, I don't care how big you tell me your junk is!!!! I'm not that kind of girl!

GAWD!

Finally Back

Four more down, and I'm finally back to where I was before birthdays and break destroyed everything. One month of shit, and two days to take it away? Not a bad deal. But I'm still not satisfied. I'm wondering whether I'll ever be satisfied. I have a bad feeling that I won't be. But I can't stop now. It's not possible.

School starts next week. I am sooo sick of school, but at the same time I'm sort of glad I'm going back. Going back will get me out of the apartment every day instead of sitting here in front of temptation. I need to start saving my money, too. Once I reach my GW3 I want to start wrestling training. I wasn't kidding when I said I wanted to be a Diva someday. Even though it is a one in a million shot, I need something to work towards. If you don't have dreams, then what is life for?

4 Pounds

I lost 4 pounds yesterday. THAT'S why I'm Ana. I NEED to lose weight sooo badly. And don't judge me because I say I'm Ana. There are tons of stick thin girls out there that think they need to lose weight. Trust me, I'm not one of them.