I Hate Them, And I Love Them

Okay, so I'm not done venting for the day. I didn't realize I needed to vent til I reread my last post, and realized something: No one freaking knows.

I've lost 109 pounds, yet no one has realized I'm anorexic??? I know, I know... I don't look like an anorexic. But come on, people! How do they not realize that I'm not eating? My friend was here with me all day yesterday. She ate. I didn't. She just automatically believed me when I said I ate earlier yet there's no dirty dishes, and nothing food related in my trash. I didn't eat dinner with her. How have these people not realized whats going on???

I don't see them for a month, and suddenly I'm wearing a size smaller of jeans, and my face is thinner. Instead of only losing the 12 pounds I should have lost healthily, I've lost 25 or 30. I understand that I eat when it is strategic to eat. I eat around THEM. But still. Do they care so little about me that when I show up like this they don't think, for a moment... They don't wonder... "Is she eating?"

And my family! They can tell I'm losing weight. Rapidly. But only once has my mom ever asked me if I was eating. I said yes. Does everyone trust my word so much that when I lie straight to their face they believe me? I'm a horrible liar.... Or at least I used to be.

I'm pushing people away... I'm distancing myself because I don't want them to know what's going on. But that doesn't mean I don't wish someone would care enough to check on me. And I'm also stopping myself from connecting with new people... Because I don't want to screw them up like I'm screwed up. I don't want them to see how messed up I am.

But I am messed up. I'm always going to be messed up.

I Can Feel A Change, I Can Feel, Can You Feel It?

18 pounds in one week. That really shouldn't be possible, but I kind of don't care that I'm killing myself. Because I need to look like the Divas.

I need to be in shape, because if I don't I will fail my friend who's counting on me to go after our dreams even if she can't. I'll fail myself for not going after the one thing in my life that I want more than anything. I never have gone after my dreams because I never felt like I deserved them. For once... Just for once I want to deserve something. And if I have to go to bed hungry at night... If I have to lie to my friends and family about how I'm losing the weight... I will do it. I will do whatever it takes to deserve my dream, and achieve it.

Stay Strong

Hunger hurts but starving works

7 lbs down, and I am sooooo tired. I have no energy at ALL. Albeit, I did only get 4 hours of sleep last night due to work... But I just took a nap. I should be awake. I so am not. So Im cranking out this blog and some crappy homework and then Im going straight back to bed.

I hope I wake up. How sick is it that I worry about waking up in the morning, yet I still starve myself? Saying "at least I'll die thin" is sooooo not the cliche sayings of a drama queen. Its reality.

Don't want to bore you to tears with my life, and Im too tired to anyways. Goodnight, world. Don't worry, Ill still be hungry in the morning.

Fasting is Fun! Right...

Day 1 of a 14+ day fast. I say plus, because I'm not sure when I'll get another paycheck. I get paid in another 11 days, but they won't let us pick up our checks anymore. You either have to get the money direct deposited, or mailed home. As I don't have a checking account (I don't do well with those), I have to get my checks mailed home. My 30 minutes away home. Not a ridiculously long distance, but I am really busy. So, add on the mailing time, and my busy schedule I have no idea when I'll be able to afford food again. Which could work out pretty well for me, haha.

I'm glad to be fasting again, because I know it'll work. But let's be honest here, people. Fasting hurts. I'm already lightheaded, and tired. So aggravating. Why can't I be peppy and hungry?! Grrrrr.... I hope the people around me are ready for bitch mode.

I am such a bad person. I went to a party at my friend's house this past Saturday. One of my guy friends has been in and out of a relationship for a couple years now. Right now they're off. He kept putting his arm around me, trying to hold my hand, and kissing my hands. He's a nice guy, but I am soooo not going there with him. Once I realized that through my vodka induced stupor I realized I needed to distance us for the rest of the night. One of my friend's coworkers showed up at the party around this time. I don't know why, but I was totally drawn to him. We flirted all night. He held me, kissed my forehead and hands... And then we also "fought" all the time. I love it when guys rough house with me. I am not a girly girl, haha! My guy friend felt sick, so he went to lay down. After I checked on him I left the room, and kept the door open so that he could call for us if he needed us. The coworker was in the hall having just come upstairs, and we started messing around and play fighting. And my guy friend, sweet, pure soul that he is, called out "Get off her!"

I have nooo idea what to do. My friend is nice, but I don't want a relationship with him. At all. I just hope I don't break him. The coworker is a slutty bad boy. So I kind of don't want a relationship with him either, but I like him.

GAH! Why can't my ED be my ONLY issue?!!?

Oh No The Fires Burning My Insides Again; What Can I Do To Silence My Desire Tonight?

Flames consuming reason

Leaving only ashes left

You will catch me regretting my decision

I can't keep telling myself

What I want to hear

I can't just close my eyes

I know that its killing me

And its poinsoning the best in me

What I see I don't want to believe

So let me tell you more about the lies I lead...

-Slow Burn by Atreyu

Fuck food. I'm fasting. Saturday I can't, because I'm going up to Monroe, Michigan to hang out with friends, and we're drinking. And I making cookies. And I know they will take me to Pete's Garage again, which is a restaurant/bar. FML.

But today, tomorrow, Sunday, and every day after that... Fasting. I'm sick of calorie counting. I'm sick of wondering how badly its going to hurt to puke it up later. I'm sick of walking through the grocery store feeling like a fat ass. I'm sick of jamming a toothbrush down my throat.

Fasting. Only water and mints to control hunger pains will cross my lips. Even if I ate 25 mints a day that would still only be 500 calories. I need to continue exercising as well. I want to be a Diva, not a stick figure.

Fasting is my happy place.

FU VD

Valentine's Day royally screw up diets... Even when you're alone.

I'm So Sick Of When They Say

It's just a phase, you'll be okay

You're fine...

But I know it's a lie.

I often wonder whether I'll ever be able to stop this. So many times I'll go get food, thinking "I just need to jump start my metabolism." or "I need to learn to eat again."... But then I throw it up. I can't stand to have it inside of me.

The most frustrating of all is when it doesn't even produce results. I haven't lost weight in like two weeks. I don't even know what to do right now. ABC isn't working. Exercising isn't helping. I can't eat, because I throw it up anyways. I can't help it.

I suck.

Let's Try This AGAIN!

Okay, starting ABC over... Yes, again. Shaddup. Don't judge.

This time I'm writing down everything I eat and the number of calories it is. I figure that will help me keep an eye on what I'm really doing, and make me more aware of what I'm eating. I'm also trying to exercise every day. Just ten minutes though. These DVD's I have are really hard to keep up with and catch on to when you're as uncoordinated as me. Plus, if I start working out like a boss now, I won't have any extra strength or time left when I hit my next plateau. It always happens. So I figure I'll just do ten minutes of these videos every day till I can either do them perfectly, or I hit a plateau. Hopefully that will happen later rather than sooner. I hate plateaus.

I'm in one right now. I tried eating more, eating less, blah, blah, blaaaaaaaaaah! Exercising better freaking work. Especially when coupled with ABC. If not, I... Well I'll pretty much just go crazy. Not pretty.

I Can't Find My Way...

...I fear I've gone too far

The war is gone but my struggle's just begun

I can't feel my hands

The weather's turning harsh

I travel on beneath the ash that falls like snow

An endless night

Into an age when time has died

All that remains is the want to survive

Wander through decay

I step through the ruin of all I've known

Gone is the sun

Gone is our hope today

The sky above is grey as far as I can see

And I'm so cold

I know that I can't walk much more

I think I'll rest a while though I may not wake

But I can't care

All those I've loved have long been dead

-Final Words by Bella Morte

When I first got to college in St. Louis I had one of those not-real-boyfriend-but-online-version-of-a-boyfriend things. Yeah, one of those. I did it because I was lonely. The guy I'd been with in High School wasn't my boyfriend, but he was the guy who used me as an excuse to break up with his girlfriend. He said we were going to go out eventually. Then he started going out with another girl and ignored me completely. So, yes. I got myself an online freak. And I don't mean that against people who find meaningful relationships online. This guy was seriously a freak. But I still spent all my extra time online with him. I missed out on all of the friend-making days of your first semester because I was holed up in my room. I had one good friend. And a few acquaintances through a club I was involved in (which ended up giving me my other amazing friend).

I also had my coworkes. I had the greatest coworkers in the world. Probably because I had the best freaking college job ever. Technically I worked in the Media Center renting out equipment (I'm a Video Production major), taking phone calls, doing a little paper work and bookkeeping... But really we just watched movies all the time. I had the best bosses too. Except Cole. He annoyed the hell out of me when I first met him. He's one of those types of people who didn't mince words. He didn't protect your feelings if he had something to say.

At first.

After my first semester I realized that my online boyfriend was a fruitcake. I guess college really does make you smarter, huh? So I left him. I trader him in for a slightly less psychotic (I thought), kinder (I thought), normal (I thought) guy. In reality he was an idiotic, controlling, bum who will never amount to anything in his life. I wasn't ALLOWED to drink or smoke (not bad things to give up, but it's the fact that I wasn't ALLOWED to do it that should have been a red flag). When I would go home for breaks he would call me incessantly, and even told me that he didn't like me hanging out with my friends because I wasn't available to take his calls and he was jealous of them. He forced me into having sex for a very long time. I should have ended it after the first time, but I didn't. I didn't want to be alone. He never hit me, but he did raise a hand against me once and I knew it was only a matter of time... Especially towards the end when I started getting snippier and meaner because I didn't care anymore.

But I did care about someone else.

I fell in love with Cole. I worked all the same shifts as him, and he approved. We bantered. He went off on a student that had given me crap for his own mistakes. He told me to leave my boyfriend. But I didn't... I didn't think that someone like him would want to be with someone like me, and I definitely didn't want to be alone. I can still feel his hand on my shoulder the day before I left for Christmas break, and the smile he gave... He thought I was going home to leave my boyfriend. But I choked. I failed him.

When I announced that spring that I was transferring he tried to convince me to stay. They all did. I didn't listen. I had to get away. None of them knew the true reason I was running away. It didn't matter. I hugged Cole goodbye, and I never wanted to let go. My boyfriend was standing right there but I didn't care. After awhile we split apart, and I left with the one who hurt me. But I was stronger... One more rape couldn't hurt me by then. I was practically frozen.

I'm home now, and broke up with my boyfriend a month or so after I'd returned. Once our separation had given me enough strength to break the chains...

But once I got to my apartment at my new school everything went to hell. I missed the friend-making part again, but this time... This time it was because I was constantly in an alcohol-driven stupor. Keeping myself drunk was the only way I could get through the nights by myself. Thinking about Cole. ALL the time. It never stopped. I dreamt about him. I still do sometimes... I became a serious partier when my HS friends came home for breaks. I did some pot. Continued drinking. Started smoking cigarettes.

And then I... got over it? I met some new friends, and reconnected with old ones. Everything got better. Sort of.

I'm still a bitch, I think. I feel nothing. For barely anyone. I love my best friend so much. I love her sister like my own sister. My guy friend keeps my sane, even though he may drive me crazy a lot (Yes, that makes sense. To me.). I have a bunch of friends I adore. But outsiders...? I don't trust them. I almost... hate them. I don't know if its possible for me to love anyone again. I obsess over things because it keeps me happy to think that someday I might be normal enough to actually achieve some of my dreams.

Cole is moving to Korea. He told me about it over a year ago, but I figured he'd decided not to... It was so long ago. I was secure in the fact that if I was ever strong enough to go visit St. Louis someday he would be there... And I could see him one more time.

I'm never going to see him again.

I ate. I ate a lot over the past couple days and I'm sure it shows. ABC is starting over today... The road to perfection will keep my brain and emotions occupied, right?

I love you, Cole.

You Keep Crying, Crying, Crying Till You Cannot See At All; You Keep Crying, Crying, Crying Till You Cannot Breathe At All

This week has been super stressful and busy. After a string of 3 pound losses (Thankyouverymuch, ABC!) I lost absolutely nothing Monday. I was freaking shocked when I jumped on the scale yesterday morning. So, me being the panicker I am, I ran to the store after classes and bought a bunch of food, binged, and purged. I was ashamed until I got the effect I wanted... Another three pounds yesterday...

For being so bad for me it sure as hell works. Then to top off the excellence I had a dream about the guy in the picture last night. That ALWAYS makes for a good night! Bless John Morrison... :-P I'm not sure which part of the dream was better: The fact that he was into me, or the fact that he could pick me up... Wow, I'm sick. Especially since I'm leaning towards the latter.

I've officially lost 101 pounds... But I'm not even halfway there... Close, but not so much. I'm really depending on this 2-3 pound a day loss trend to get me done by summer. In light of that I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure I'm gonna stick with ABC till I'm done. It seems to be working really well. I always knew staggering worked, I just didn't realize there was a specific plan that utilized it so well... Glad I know now!

Oh shit... Time for class and my stuff isn't done printing. SOB!