I Hate Them, And I Love Them

Okay, so I'm not done venting for the day. I didn't realize I needed to vent til I reread my last post, and realized something: No one freaking knows.

I've lost 109 pounds, yet no one has realized I'm anorexic??? I know, I know... I don't look like an anorexic. But come on, people! How do they not realize that I'm not eating? My friend was here with me all day yesterday. She ate. I didn't. She just automatically believed me when I said I ate earlier yet there's no dirty dishes, and nothing food related in my trash. I didn't eat dinner with her. How have these people not realized whats going on???

I don't see them for a month, and suddenly I'm wearing a size smaller of jeans, and my face is thinner. Instead of only losing the 12 pounds I should have lost healthily, I've lost 25 or 30. I understand that I eat when it is strategic to eat. I eat around THEM. But still. Do they care so little about me that when I show up like this they don't think, for a moment... They don't wonder... "Is she eating?"

And my family! They can tell I'm losing weight. Rapidly. But only once has my mom ever asked me if I was eating. I said yes. Does everyone trust my word so much that when I lie straight to their face they believe me? I'm a horrible liar.... Or at least I used to be.

I'm pushing people away... I'm distancing myself because I don't want them to know what's going on. But that doesn't mean I don't wish someone would care enough to check on me. And I'm also stopping myself from connecting with new people... Because I don't want to screw them up like I'm screwed up. I don't want them to see how messed up I am.

But I am messed up. I'm always going to be messed up.