I Can't Find My Way...

...I fear I've gone too far

The war is gone but my struggle's just begun

I can't feel my hands

The weather's turning harsh

I travel on beneath the ash that falls like snow

An endless night

Into an age when time has died

All that remains is the want to survive

Wander through decay

I step through the ruin of all I've known

Gone is the sun

Gone is our hope today

The sky above is grey as far as I can see

And I'm so cold

I know that I can't walk much more

I think I'll rest a while though I may not wake

But I can't care

All those I've loved have long been dead

-Final Words by Bella Morte

When I first got to college in St. Louis I had one of those not-real-boyfriend-but-online-version-of-a-boyfriend things. Yeah, one of those. I did it because I was lonely. The guy I'd been with in High School wasn't my boyfriend, but he was the guy who used me as an excuse to break up with his girlfriend. He said we were going to go out eventually. Then he started going out with another girl and ignored me completely. So, yes. I got myself an online freak. And I don't mean that against people who find meaningful relationships online. This guy was seriously a freak. But I still spent all my extra time online with him. I missed out on all of the friend-making days of your first semester because I was holed up in my room. I had one good friend. And a few acquaintances through a club I was involved in (which ended up giving me my other amazing friend).

I also had my coworkes. I had the greatest coworkers in the world. Probably because I had the best freaking college job ever. Technically I worked in the Media Center renting out equipment (I'm a Video Production major), taking phone calls, doing a little paper work and bookkeeping... But really we just watched movies all the time. I had the best bosses too. Except Cole. He annoyed the hell out of me when I first met him. He's one of those types of people who didn't mince words. He didn't protect your feelings if he had something to say.

At first.

After my first semester I realized that my online boyfriend was a fruitcake. I guess college really does make you smarter, huh? So I left him. I trader him in for a slightly less psychotic (I thought), kinder (I thought), normal (I thought) guy. In reality he was an idiotic, controlling, bum who will never amount to anything in his life. I wasn't ALLOWED to drink or smoke (not bad things to give up, but it's the fact that I wasn't ALLOWED to do it that should have been a red flag). When I would go home for breaks he would call me incessantly, and even told me that he didn't like me hanging out with my friends because I wasn't available to take his calls and he was jealous of them. He forced me into having sex for a very long time. I should have ended it after the first time, but I didn't. I didn't want to be alone. He never hit me, but he did raise a hand against me once and I knew it was only a matter of time... Especially towards the end when I started getting snippier and meaner because I didn't care anymore.

But I did care about someone else.

I fell in love with Cole. I worked all the same shifts as him, and he approved. We bantered. He went off on a student that had given me crap for his own mistakes. He told me to leave my boyfriend. But I didn't... I didn't think that someone like him would want to be with someone like me, and I definitely didn't want to be alone. I can still feel his hand on my shoulder the day before I left for Christmas break, and the smile he gave... He thought I was going home to leave my boyfriend. But I choked. I failed him.

When I announced that spring that I was transferring he tried to convince me to stay. They all did. I didn't listen. I had to get away. None of them knew the true reason I was running away. It didn't matter. I hugged Cole goodbye, and I never wanted to let go. My boyfriend was standing right there but I didn't care. After awhile we split apart, and I left with the one who hurt me. But I was stronger... One more rape couldn't hurt me by then. I was practically frozen.

I'm home now, and broke up with my boyfriend a month or so after I'd returned. Once our separation had given me enough strength to break the chains...

But once I got to my apartment at my new school everything went to hell. I missed the friend-making part again, but this time... This time it was because I was constantly in an alcohol-driven stupor. Keeping myself drunk was the only way I could get through the nights by myself. Thinking about Cole. ALL the time. It never stopped. I dreamt about him. I still do sometimes... I became a serious partier when my HS friends came home for breaks. I did some pot. Continued drinking. Started smoking cigarettes.

And then I... got over it? I met some new friends, and reconnected with old ones. Everything got better. Sort of.

I'm still a bitch, I think. I feel nothing. For barely anyone. I love my best friend so much. I love her sister like my own sister. My guy friend keeps my sane, even though he may drive me crazy a lot (Yes, that makes sense. To me.). I have a bunch of friends I adore. But outsiders...? I don't trust them. I almost... hate them. I don't know if its possible for me to love anyone again. I obsess over things because it keeps me happy to think that someday I might be normal enough to actually achieve some of my dreams.

Cole is moving to Korea. He told me about it over a year ago, but I figured he'd decided not to... It was so long ago. I was secure in the fact that if I was ever strong enough to go visit St. Louis someday he would be there... And I could see him one more time.

I'm never going to see him again.

I ate. I ate a lot over the past couple days and I'm sure it shows. ABC is starting over today... The road to perfection will keep my brain and emotions occupied, right?

I love you, Cole.