I've Missed You

Holidays suck. I mean, I love spending time with my family and stuff like that. But food wise, they suck. I have gained sooo much poundage back. I am a very unhappy camper right now. I think I'm going to try and embrace ana while I'm at home, too, starting tomorrow. I just can't keep eating food. It is disgusting. Thinspo, help me!

The WWE Divas are my biggest thinspo, seriously. My friend (who is the size of a twig, btw) and I want to be Divas someday. I want a body like theirs.

Nerves

My mom just left to go back to the hospital because the nurse is afraid she has a post-op blood clot in her leg. FML. Why can't everything just be okay?

My friends asked me to go to Chicago for New Years, but she said I couldn't go because of money. And fuck it all, I can't even be mad at her because she's recovering! I want to do my internship, but its going to make life a living hell til I go... IF I even get it at all. If I don't my friend Ashley and I are going to go work in Washington for the summer. I kind of hope I don't get it... I want to go to Washington with my friend!

I've lost 10 lbs so far on this cabbage soup thing despite the fact I've cheated like the past two days. Oh well. As long as its still working. Maybe Christmas won't totally eff me over like I thought? I can dream...

Stay Strong

<3>

Better Than A Gain...

I only lost one pound. Which is kind of annoying. Since you're supposed to lose 10-15 pounds in a week. My body is gonna have some catching up to do. Majorly. One exam to do today along with packing to go home, two tomorrow, sell back my books tomorrow, and then hoooooome I go! And hopefully my mom will be coming home too.

Cabbage soup sucks, fyi.

Cabbage Soup

I started the cabbage soup diet today. I have mixed feelings about it. I mean, who doesn't like the idea of being able to eat as much as you want and still lose weight? Well, someone who's spent the last month or so training themselves to hate food, and see the ingestion of it as a failure for starters. I understand the logic behind it. The soup is all negative calorie stuff, as is most of the alternate foods your supposed to eat each day of the diet. I get it. I do. However, its still really hard for me to believe that I can eat so much food and still lose as much weight as they say you will. It goes against my whole thought process. But I gained so much stupid weight back over the past week I'm willing to try it. Besides, I don't really have any other choices once I go home.

Guess we'll see how it goes. If it works as well as it says it does, I may just stick with this til I lose it all.

Fear

I soooo do not want to step on the scale tomorrow. Home/Holidays=Death to diet. Oh well. I start my cabbage soup diet on Wednesday. My mom says she lost like 20 pounds when she did it, but SHE wasn't previously starving herself. MY body is probably going to hold onto whatever I eat for dear life. Luckily break will lure it into a false sense of security and then WHAM! Once Im back at the apartment, its fasting time again. :-)

Happy time again.

There's Just No Easy Is There?

Okay, apparently sushi does not have some mystical connection to weight loss as I gained FOUR FREAKING POUNDS back yesterday. What the hell is going on? Gr. I ate around 1000 calories today, and I'm going home for the next two days so I'll be eating again. Next week is a four day fast during exams, then home for a month where Ill be on the cabbage soup diet.

Just shoot me.

P.S. I hate my effing roommates. I'm in a shitty mood, and its really hard to deal with it and get past it when your roommates are laughing their asses off in the room next to you. Grrrrrrr!

I'm done.

So weird...

81 pounds down. I ate sushi yesterday and then calamari salad and Doritos. I purged some of the Doritos, but I doubt very many. Somehow I still lost weight. So today I went and bought sushi again, haha. Let's see if sushi is the magic combo! :-P That would be epic, as I adore sushi. Too bad its so freaking EXPENSIVE! The fat person I still am wanted to finish off the Doritos sooo badly, even though after I scarfed them down yesterday I thought "These don't even taste that good... They don't taste nearly as good as waking up in the morning and being lighter." In any case, the Ana in me panicked and grabbed mustard and salad dressing and poured them in the bag of Doritos til they were inedible.

I'm getting better at keeping my stupid mouth shut. Even better at lying too. I went with my friend (the one who gets pissed when I say how I don't eat) to get his new tattoo, and then Christmas shopping. He got in to his usual tirade about my lack of food, but I told him I ate Doritos yesterday. I didn't mention I'd purged them of course. Somehow he still wasn't satisfied. I think he's just pissed because he fails at diets every other week, while I'm dropping pounds at a quick rate. I made sure to buy my sushi in front of him anyways. Better safe than sorry.

Ladedadeda

Study. Starve. Study. Binge. Purge. Study. Starve. STUDY!

I hate exam time. Can it be winter break now?

80 down. :-)

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Well That Blows

I didn't eat anything yesterday, but I didn't lose anything either. What the hell? How annoying is that? It might be due to the stress of exams coming up next week, and all the studying and projects I'm doing (I swear I'm getting them done despite the current procrastination-driven blogging). But seriously, if I don't lose anything today either I'm gonne be pretty pissed off. I'm pissed off a lot. :-( I don't try to be, but I just seem to get really angry lately. Its probably pent up anger, because I never show my anger or frustration when I'm with friends. I feel like I have so few appealing qualities as a friend, I can't add my temper into the mix.

I suck.

Ana > Mia

As far as food consumption goes I haven't done well, but as far as weight goes, it's been fantastic. I've lost 19 lbs in 6 days. But not all of those days have been fasting. I binged and purged for the past two. Which was stupid, but it worked at least, which I'm eternally grateful for. I'm planning on just plain fasting til my birthday.

Definitely need to start lying about how much weight I've lost. My mother about had a heart attack yesterday when I told her I've lost 75 lbs. Prooobably because I told her I'd only lost 62 earlier in the week. Which was true at the time. Truth is a really bad idea at this point. The good thing is that, unlike most Ana's I know, I'm NOT already close to my goal. I'm nowhere near it. They're mostly struggling with ten, twenty... maaaaaybe thirty pounds. I have 195 left to lose. So even if my parents are worried that I'm losing weight too fast... They won't say anything about it. Because they know how hard it is to be overweight. They want me to succeed. They'll convince themselves that I'm being healthy even if it is blatantly obvious that I'm not. As long as they see me eat they're fine. They just don't know that after I eat with them I go home and throw it up. Here's hoping they never find out.

Stay Strong

<3>

69 point whatever down... I wish it was like August or September or... Any month except December. Because then I wouldn't have to go to Birthday dinners. Completely unnecessary calories. Grr.

I got in a big fight with my friend last night. One of the two that knows about the little ED issue. He pretty much cussed me out and told me to effing eat something. So I lied and told him I did. :-) I haven't eaten anything since Sunday. Woooooot! I accidentally forgot to set my phone as an alarm only ringer as opposed to silence soooo I completely slept through my alarm this morning and missed my only class. Which on one side isn't a big deal, because they aren't official classes til next week. There's no lecture. We're just supposed to be working on our projects. But on the other side its one of those teachers that will look at you in the hall like you are Satan's spawn for not showing up. And I have to ask him every time I need to get into the lab. Ugh. This is gonna be a fun two weeks. If I just get my project done I won't have to worry about it anymore.

I have so much shit to get done. :-(

I think I'm going to go for a walk later and get some exercise. I only lost three pounds yesterday which kind of sucks. But its better than nothing. I wish I knew where my tennis shoes were so I could run instead of walk. Blaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Stay Strong

<3>

8 Down

8 Pounds In Two Days
Ana Never Fails Me
She's The Only One
Gotta Keep It Up
0 Calories Is Success
Even One Is Failure
Goodnight
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:-)

I think I must be a masochist, because I thoroughly enjoy the pain that goes along with fasting. It means my body is getting rid of the weight, and that makes me :-D

Im on day 2 of my fast. I'm pretty much going to be fasting til Winter Break, but with two brief interruptions. ALL of my family's birthdays are in December. We're going out to eat on Saturday to Red Lobster. I'm currently looking up healthy meals I can have there, so it won't be too bad. Then for my birthday I'm getting Chinese. I don't know what I'm going to do when Christmas Break rolls around. :-( I'm hoping we'll be too busy taking care of Mom after her surgery for anyone to notice I'm not eating much.

We'll see.

62 lbs down total. Not good, but not bad.

Stay Strong.

<3>

Where Are You?

Ana Come Back

I Miss You

Why Am I Such A Complete Failure?

I ate today. I had an apple and a subway sandwich. Not like the good kind of subway sandwich with lean meat and veggies. The bad kind. I looked it up on Subway's website, and with the apple I ate around 900 calories.

What is wrong with me? I did so well last time. Why can't I do that again???

I seriously hate myself. Why can't I have more self control?

Well This Was Unexpected

So I didn't lose any weight yesterday, the first day of the fast. The day that LAST time I lost 4 pounds. In fact I gained two back. Anyone got any explanations? Hm? Anyone? Cause I got nothing!

The next seven days are going to be extremely difficult. I forgot that Saturday is the Big Game: Michigan vs OSU. So I have to go home. Its kind of a tradition. And they will make me eat, I know it. Then of course next week is Thanksgiving. But when they find out my class on Tuesday morning got cancelled, they're going to want to know if I can work Monday night instead of Tuesday so that I can come home early. I would LIKE to go home early, but I don't want to start eating any earlier than I have to. Ick.

Idk what's going to happen. Guess we'll see. I'd better lose some effing weight today.

Stay Strong

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I Need To Record This Now For Every Time I Want To EAT!

The first day of a fast sucks. A lot. After only three days of eating I'm already back in the habit of feeling like when I'm hungry I need to eat as opposed to when I'm hungry I need to chug some water. I got to that point last time... I just fell victim to the cravings. I need to not do that again.

It's going to be rough this weekend. I'm going home Saturday morning. I wont be able to skip dinner, because they'll know I obviously didn't "eat a big meal earlier". I have to make sure I escape early Sunday to do my project or something.

Maybe I'll walk around my block Saturday after the game. Its approximately 5 miles. I could deal with eating then.

Stay Strong

<3>

Oh Shit

Can you develop an ED?

Because I ate food today. I didnt really want to, but I wanted to get it out of the apartment and I didnt want to just throw it away (Yeah, I told you I'm the queen of excuses). I told myself I wasn't going to purge afterwards because it wasn't good for me. I would just deal with the consequences.

But when I finished the food I felt disgusting.

I wanted to die. I felt like such a failure.

So I got it out of me. As fast as possible.

So now instead of looking forward to Thanksgiving I am freaking out. What if I try to throw up Thankgiving Dinner?

I know this is becoming a problem.

But every pound lost gives me one more reason to not regret the choices I made.

I'm just worried that it isn't a choice anymore.

I Have Too Many Blogs Titled Ughhhhh...

I binged.

I purged.

Again.

While I feel bad about the binging, the purging is having a positive effect. I forget to drink enough while Im binging so all the food comes out generally solid (yeah, this is a gross post. Sorry). Which is disgusting. Which makes me not want to eat again.

I seriously need to go back to not eating though.

Like right now.

Stay Strong

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Failure

I would gladly go back to my Day # titles right now...

I am such a failure. I just binged around 800 calories and purged God knows how many back out.

I could sit here and say that "Oh, yeah, 800 calories aren't that many." and "Well, I made it 6 whole days without eating on my very first fast. That's really good!" But those would just be excuses. All I've done is make excuses. I need to commit to this way more.

I'm probably going to gain 5 pounds back today, and I totally deserve it.

Guess all there is to do now is start over again tomorrow. Try to get through a good ten day fast before Thanksgiving.

My stomach feels like hell. I just want to rip it out. Ugh.

Stay Strong
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Wtf?

Even though I didn't eat anything yesterday I only lost 8 ounces.

Wtf?

I am hoping beyind hope that what my mom's nurse friend said is true. That what you eat affects you weight wise two days later. Because that would mean that the wine cooler and cigarette were just coming back to bite me in the ass now. If I still barely lose anything tomorrow I don't know what I'm going to do... I will flip out; that much I know.

The worst part is that when you don't lose anything your spirits are dampened and you just feel like giving up... And when the cravings are as bad as they are this is very dangerous.

Thank God I threw out most of my food and have only 5 bucks left in my wallet.

Stay Strong
<3>

Day 6

I need to start coming up with more creative titles, haha. Anyhoo, the end of Day 4 kind of ended suckily. I went to a party and had most of a wine cooler, and I smoked a cigarette. Eek. I quit smoking months ago, but I still do occasionally at parties when someone gives one to me. At least I don't go out back and smoke like 8 a day like I used to. But I know they both affected me. I felt like HELL yesterday, and the toxins jumped up afterwards. I'm still getting rid of them. Yesterday was like my own anti-smoking campaign. I only lost two pounds after Day 4, but I completely deserved it. Yesterday I lost three, which made me really happy because the cravings were killing me. Especially when I went grocery shopping.

Going grocery shopping on a fast is a ridiculously stupid. But I was out of soo many non-food essentials I had to. Like toilet paper... and soap, haha. I did buy apples just in case the fast started becoming dangerous closer to Thanksgiving. Right now I seem to be okay... Minus the headaches, and the lower back pain, and the gross taste in the mouth. But its okay. I will take all of it with a smile til Thanksgiving if I keep dropping pounds like I am. Before I sink to apples, I also bought some vitamin water that only has 10 calories in a bottle. If it gets bad I'll dilute it and drink that. Only if its still bad after that will I eat an apple. After I grabbed those I LOADED my cart with non-food stuffs. I spent all of my money (minus the 50 bucks for bills). Now I don't have money to waste on fast food. :-) Need to save my check next time though for christmas and birthday stuff though, haha.

Another reason to stop drinking? I blabbed to my friend that I hadn't eaten in 4 days. Seriously. Luckily he knows I'm broke, and I think just took it to mean I couldn't buy groceries because I was out of money. But then he pissed me off today like he always does. He's the type of person that always needs to be right, and be better than you. And so he was like "Well you eat more than me." I clenched my jaw, and my eyes felt like they were on fire. I wanted to rip his freaking throat out. How dare he?! Soooo, stupid, stupid me spat out "Do you eat AT ALL!?" And he kind of grumbled "Rarely" at me. Proud of myself I said "Then you eat MORE than me." Ugh. You know, I should be pissed off at myself, but really, I'm still just more pissed at him. And now he could ruin me. One wrong drunken word to one of my friends that actually cares about me and I'm screwed.

Oh well. No one can shove food down my throat. I'm still in control of that at least.

Stay Strong

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Daaaay 4

Yup. Day 4. My mouth is really gross. My body has been getting rid of the toxins that have built up due to food (and I must have a damn lot of toxins because my body is STILL shoving them out). Apparently your body tries to get rid of toxons wherever it can. Including through your mouth. It is REALLY gross. It is thick and disgusting tasting.

But totally worth it.

I don't think I'm going to stop fasting until Thanksgiving... I don't think I can. The thought of eating the food in my apartment makes me nauseous. I lost three pounds again yesterday, keeping my average at three. :-) If I keep losing three a day I will hit 100 lbs down by Thanksgiving. I think, if I can do that, I'll be okay with eating that day. 100 lbs is a huge milestone. The 64 I'm at is great. But I've never, not in all the diets I've done in my life (And good Lord, there's been hundreds) have I reached 100. I've never got beyond 50 without quitting.

I talked to my mom on the phone today. I seriously need to cut out my tongue. I have a problem not bragging about my weight loss. But I feel like if I stop now my mom will get suspicious about why I'm not talking about it. So, dumbass me, told her that I lost 64 lbs. After a brief pause all she had to say was "Holy shit." Whoops. Well, that wasn't ALL she had to say.

"You're still eating right?"

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge.

If I can't cut out my tongue I at least need to make my lies come just a LITTLE faster! I said yes, of course, but it only popped out after a brief pause. I don't think she noticed. But that was a little too close for comfort. If I do lose my last 36 lbs in two weeks... I think I need to not tell her. She's already jokingly mentioned making me go to the doctor for anorexia. I just laughed it off, but inside I was panicking. If I go to a doctor I'm screwed. Can they tell I haven't eaten?

Oh well. I have 14 days of uninterrupted fasting ahead of me. By the time I get home they won't be able to do anything about it.

I need to start formulating a plan for winter break though. I don't think we're allowed to work on campus over break so I have no excuse to stay at school. I WANT to go home, I do. And my mom is having surgery the day after my birthday and I want to be able to help take care of her... But my Dad used to tell me I didn't eat enough when I was downing 1500-2000 cals a day! No wonder I'm fat! How the heck am I supposed to get through a MONTH of that?!?!

Time for a visit to Chez Google.