Where Are You?

Ana Come Back

I Miss You

Why Am I Such A Complete Failure?

I ate today. I had an apple and a subway sandwich. Not like the good kind of subway sandwich with lean meat and veggies. The bad kind. I looked it up on Subway's website, and with the apple I ate around 900 calories.

What is wrong with me? I did so well last time. Why can't I do that again???

I seriously hate myself. Why can't I have more self control?

Well This Was Unexpected

So I didn't lose any weight yesterday, the first day of the fast. The day that LAST time I lost 4 pounds. In fact I gained two back. Anyone got any explanations? Hm? Anyone? Cause I got nothing!

The next seven days are going to be extremely difficult. I forgot that Saturday is the Big Game: Michigan vs OSU. So I have to go home. Its kind of a tradition. And they will make me eat, I know it. Then of course next week is Thanksgiving. But when they find out my class on Tuesday morning got cancelled, they're going to want to know if I can work Monday night instead of Tuesday so that I can come home early. I would LIKE to go home early, but I don't want to start eating any earlier than I have to. Ick.

Idk what's going to happen. Guess we'll see. I'd better lose some effing weight today.

Stay Strong

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I Need To Record This Now For Every Time I Want To EAT!

The first day of a fast sucks. A lot. After only three days of eating I'm already back in the habit of feeling like when I'm hungry I need to eat as opposed to when I'm hungry I need to chug some water. I got to that point last time... I just fell victim to the cravings. I need to not do that again.

It's going to be rough this weekend. I'm going home Saturday morning. I wont be able to skip dinner, because they'll know I obviously didn't "eat a big meal earlier". I have to make sure I escape early Sunday to do my project or something.

Maybe I'll walk around my block Saturday after the game. Its approximately 5 miles. I could deal with eating then.

Stay Strong

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Oh Shit

Can you develop an ED?

Because I ate food today. I didnt really want to, but I wanted to get it out of the apartment and I didnt want to just throw it away (Yeah, I told you I'm the queen of excuses). I told myself I wasn't going to purge afterwards because it wasn't good for me. I would just deal with the consequences.

But when I finished the food I felt disgusting.

I wanted to die. I felt like such a failure.

So I got it out of me. As fast as possible.

So now instead of looking forward to Thanksgiving I am freaking out. What if I try to throw up Thankgiving Dinner?

I know this is becoming a problem.

But every pound lost gives me one more reason to not regret the choices I made.

I'm just worried that it isn't a choice anymore.

I Have Too Many Blogs Titled Ughhhhh...

I binged.

I purged.

Again.

While I feel bad about the binging, the purging is having a positive effect. I forget to drink enough while Im binging so all the food comes out generally solid (yeah, this is a gross post. Sorry). Which is disgusting. Which makes me not want to eat again.

I seriously need to go back to not eating though.

Like right now.

Stay Strong

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Failure

I would gladly go back to my Day # titles right now...

I am such a failure. I just binged around 800 calories and purged God knows how many back out.

I could sit here and say that "Oh, yeah, 800 calories aren't that many." and "Well, I made it 6 whole days without eating on my very first fast. That's really good!" But those would just be excuses. All I've done is make excuses. I need to commit to this way more.

I'm probably going to gain 5 pounds back today, and I totally deserve it.

Guess all there is to do now is start over again tomorrow. Try to get through a good ten day fast before Thanksgiving.

My stomach feels like hell. I just want to rip it out. Ugh.

Stay Strong
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Wtf?

Even though I didn't eat anything yesterday I only lost 8 ounces.

Wtf?

I am hoping beyind hope that what my mom's nurse friend said is true. That what you eat affects you weight wise two days later. Because that would mean that the wine cooler and cigarette were just coming back to bite me in the ass now. If I still barely lose anything tomorrow I don't know what I'm going to do... I will flip out; that much I know.

The worst part is that when you don't lose anything your spirits are dampened and you just feel like giving up... And when the cravings are as bad as they are this is very dangerous.

Thank God I threw out most of my food and have only 5 bucks left in my wallet.

Stay Strong
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Day 6

I need to start coming up with more creative titles, haha. Anyhoo, the end of Day 4 kind of ended suckily. I went to a party and had most of a wine cooler, and I smoked a cigarette. Eek. I quit smoking months ago, but I still do occasionally at parties when someone gives one to me. At least I don't go out back and smoke like 8 a day like I used to. But I know they both affected me. I felt like HELL yesterday, and the toxins jumped up afterwards. I'm still getting rid of them. Yesterday was like my own anti-smoking campaign. I only lost two pounds after Day 4, but I completely deserved it. Yesterday I lost three, which made me really happy because the cravings were killing me. Especially when I went grocery shopping.

Going grocery shopping on a fast is a ridiculously stupid. But I was out of soo many non-food essentials I had to. Like toilet paper... and soap, haha. I did buy apples just in case the fast started becoming dangerous closer to Thanksgiving. Right now I seem to be okay... Minus the headaches, and the lower back pain, and the gross taste in the mouth. But its okay. I will take all of it with a smile til Thanksgiving if I keep dropping pounds like I am. Before I sink to apples, I also bought some vitamin water that only has 10 calories in a bottle. If it gets bad I'll dilute it and drink that. Only if its still bad after that will I eat an apple. After I grabbed those I LOADED my cart with non-food stuffs. I spent all of my money (minus the 50 bucks for bills). Now I don't have money to waste on fast food. :-) Need to save my check next time though for christmas and birthday stuff though, haha.

Another reason to stop drinking? I blabbed to my friend that I hadn't eaten in 4 days. Seriously. Luckily he knows I'm broke, and I think just took it to mean I couldn't buy groceries because I was out of money. But then he pissed me off today like he always does. He's the type of person that always needs to be right, and be better than you. And so he was like "Well you eat more than me." I clenched my jaw, and my eyes felt like they were on fire. I wanted to rip his freaking throat out. How dare he?! Soooo, stupid, stupid me spat out "Do you eat AT ALL!?" And he kind of grumbled "Rarely" at me. Proud of myself I said "Then you eat MORE than me." Ugh. You know, I should be pissed off at myself, but really, I'm still just more pissed at him. And now he could ruin me. One wrong drunken word to one of my friends that actually cares about me and I'm screwed.

Oh well. No one can shove food down my throat. I'm still in control of that at least.

Stay Strong

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Daaaay 4

Yup. Day 4. My mouth is really gross. My body has been getting rid of the toxins that have built up due to food (and I must have a damn lot of toxins because my body is STILL shoving them out). Apparently your body tries to get rid of toxons wherever it can. Including through your mouth. It is REALLY gross. It is thick and disgusting tasting.

But totally worth it.

I don't think I'm going to stop fasting until Thanksgiving... I don't think I can. The thought of eating the food in my apartment makes me nauseous. I lost three pounds again yesterday, keeping my average at three. :-) If I keep losing three a day I will hit 100 lbs down by Thanksgiving. I think, if I can do that, I'll be okay with eating that day. 100 lbs is a huge milestone. The 64 I'm at is great. But I've never, not in all the diets I've done in my life (And good Lord, there's been hundreds) have I reached 100. I've never got beyond 50 without quitting.

I talked to my mom on the phone today. I seriously need to cut out my tongue. I have a problem not bragging about my weight loss. But I feel like if I stop now my mom will get suspicious about why I'm not talking about it. So, dumbass me, told her that I lost 64 lbs. After a brief pause all she had to say was "Holy shit." Whoops. Well, that wasn't ALL she had to say.

"You're still eating right?"

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge.

If I can't cut out my tongue I at least need to make my lies come just a LITTLE faster! I said yes, of course, but it only popped out after a brief pause. I don't think she noticed. But that was a little too close for comfort. If I do lose my last 36 lbs in two weeks... I think I need to not tell her. She's already jokingly mentioned making me go to the doctor for anorexia. I just laughed it off, but inside I was panicking. If I go to a doctor I'm screwed. Can they tell I haven't eaten?

Oh well. I have 14 days of uninterrupted fasting ahead of me. By the time I get home they won't be able to do anything about it.

I need to start formulating a plan for winter break though. I don't think we're allowed to work on campus over break so I have no excuse to stay at school. I WANT to go home, I do. And my mom is having surgery the day after my birthday and I want to be able to help take care of her... But my Dad used to tell me I didn't eat enough when I was downing 1500-2000 cals a day! No wonder I'm fat! How the heck am I supposed to get through a MONTH of that?!?!

Time for a visit to Chez Google.

Day 3

Day 3 of the fast... Hunger is slowly going away, which is fantastic. However, I had a few problems with lightheadedness. But after consulting the almighty Google again, I found that this too is normal during the early stages. Whew! Haha! I was worried I was going to have to start eating already. No way, no how! This feels too good! I feel... empty... And like I'm shrinking, which is the most amazing feeling of all.

Lost two pounds yesterday, which is grand. At first when I saw that I was a little worried that it was slowing down already. But, I found some more info about fasting while I was searching for lightheadedness. Scroll all the way down to the bottom portion of this article to get help with extended fasts like mine. It even lays out what your body is doing the first few days that may help you better understand why your weight is doing what its doing. It was extremely helpful (and encouraging) for me.

http://peace.mennolink.org/articles/fasting.html

Stay Strong
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Forgot about this article. My bad! It talks about the negative symptoms that may affect you while fasting. If anything goes wrong above and beyond this while you fast please consult a doctor.

http://www.freedomyou.com/fasting_book/Physical%20Reactions%20to%20Fasting.htm

Be Strong
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Fasting

Hello lovelies. Haha, I am in a muuuch better mood today. I lost four pounds yesterday, so it seems like my body is finally figuring out who's in charge. I've been doing research on fasting, because it has occured to me many times, and to other people as well, that not eating is so much easier than regulating your caloric intake. Plus, at least for me, getting through those days on nothing is such a high that those feelings alone is enough to fuel me. So, through my research, I've designed a plan of action. The plan I created last week is still in place: exercise off everything you eat, or at least as close as possible. But now I'm adding fasting. Extended fasting. I'm on Day 2 right now. When I get paid on Friday I'll be able to go to the store and get juice, but right now I'm on only water. If I start feeling sick before Friday I'm going to use my lemonade packets. Only 5 calories a bottle. Im hoping that will give me just enough to not shut down entirely.

But so far that hasn't been necessary. Yes, I have a few aches and pains, but I Googled it (Ah, the almighty power of Google), and everything I've experienced is normal in fasting. Headache, lower back pain, nausea, and, obviously, hunger. But, according to one of my articles, that will go away as your body gets rid of the toxins that nasty food has implanted in it. Seriously. Food screws everything up.


The longest most articles I've read have said you can safely go without some serious doctor supervision (which you're supposed to have anyways. Whoops! Not when my doctor is a close family friend, thankyouverymuch!) is 10 days. I think fasting is going to be doubly helpful as we head into the holiday season. Not only is it Christmas and Thanksgiving time, it is also the home of all FOUR of my family's birthdays. And I know food is evil, but goddamnit I'm getting Taco Bell on my birthday!!!!!! Anyways, my basic plan that will get up to winter break is to fast for ten days straight (unless a holiday or birthday pops in) with various numbers of eating days in between fasts. They range from 2-3 depending on why the fast is stopping. For example, the first fast is ending next Thursday, and I'll be eating for two days before fasting for the five days leading up to Thanksgiving. And when I say eating I mean I'll be stocking up on negative calorie fruits and veggies. I'm counting on eating for three days over Thanksgiving break. I can fub through Wednesday and Sunday, but I can't skip Thursday, Friday, and Saturday while I'm home.

For anyone else who is looking into fasting, even if only to detox or jump start your weight loss, here are a couple sites with helpful articles.

Even though it's Wiki, this article still gives some good tips for Juice fasts and about electrolyte balances.

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_long_can_a_person_live_without_eating

It makes me laugh that the title tells you how to avoid Anorexia. Ignore that, haha. This article gives some really good tips more pertinent to the fast itself.

http://www.ehow.com/how_2052064_fast-safely-avoid-anorexia.html

A quick disclaimer to anyone who decides to follow me into fasting. Even though consulting a doctor may not be feasible for your situation, that doesn't mean you should be stupid. I'm not going to be. If I feel sick I WILL eat. I WILL NOT go past 10 days at a time. I AM going to be limiting physical activity; I'm not trying to destroy my body here. I DO NOT have a medical condition or a family history that will make fasts more dangerous. If you do: please, PLEASE, do not fast. I am 21 years old, and, despite my weight, active enough for a long enough time as to where my body is not weak. I can handle this. Please be smart enough to realize it if you are not. <3

Stay Strong

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And Stay Safe...

I Am Still Not Speaking To You...

Even though I lost two pounds yesterday I am still giving my body the cold shoulder. A.K.A. I'm still pissed about the plateau. But as long as the weight keeps coming off I think I will be able to forgive it eventually. I ate 475 calories today, but I only managed to work off about 150 because I massacred my arms yesterday and it made it really hard to lift the weights today. Tomorrow is a fast due to my busy schedule.

Hope everyone else is more optimistic than me lately. I feel like such a downer.

Oh well. No one reads this anyways, haha.

Stay Strong
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Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Still

So after a few days of frustrated binging I'm trying to get back on track. I ate too much today, almost 700 calories, but I'm going to exercise it all off. Its all I can do now. It's what I'm going to do every day. If I can't work it off, then I shouldn't be sticking it in my mouth.

I will get through this.

There are no other options anymore. I knew there wasn't when I was at my friend's house and I accidentally let it slip that I wasn't eating that day. She's the type of friend who is a living health warning. She will tell me every single bad thing that can happen to me health wise by doing whatever it is that I'm doing that isn't up to her straight edge standards. And since I'm an ex-smoker, and a heavy drinker (only when I party, which isn't that often) you can imagine how annoyed I've gotten with the warnings she's given. I snapped.

"I don't mind the hunger."

"You can die."

"At least I'll die skinny."

Yeah... I snapped. FML. I could have bit my freaking tongue off after I said it. And it occured to me after I said it that in my mind it's the truth. I just want to be skinny, no matter what. It's not a thought process anymore. My being shies away from food. My binging this weekend was out of 21 years of habits, not enjoyment. After I ate I wanted nothing more than to be at my apartment so I could purge and get it all out of me. Unfortunately I was at home, and that wouldn't work. My Dad would have noticed.

I need to learn how to do what I WANT instead of what habits tell me I should do. Because I don't WANT to eat. But if I do... I'm gonna work it off. All of it.

Stay Strong
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My Body Owes Me An Explanation

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME!?!?

I have basically been on a plateau for a week. I have tried spiking my caloric intake, I have tried fasting, I have tried exercising more, I have tried raising my caloric intake slightly... I have tried everything recommended to get over a plateau. SO CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW MY 120 LB ROOMMATE CAN EAT FRIED FOOD EVERY NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT (no joke), AND HOW I COULD CREATE A SKYSCRAPER WITH HER PIZZA BOXES (no, still not kidding), YET SHE DOESN'T GAIN A POUND?!?! Oh, and P.S. she doesn't exercise either. She actually complained to me when her boyfriend wanted to go exercise. So HOW IS IT that I can exercise till I work off every single calorie that passed my lips yesterday (I CHECKED) and GAIN BACK THE TWO POUNDS I LOST FASTING.

I knew it would happen as soon as I woke up. I FELT fat this morning. I mean, I always feel fat because I AM, but usually after I have a good day like my fasting day I feel smaller. Today I feel fluffy.

So what do I do? Eat more? Fast again? Just go die?

I'd pick the third if I thought my friends could lift the fucking casket.

FML
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2 Down...

Lost two pounds yesterday during the fast which made me happy, I guess... But I kind of want to fast again today. I am so scared to go back to eating food and seeing the numbers climb up again. :-( I just know that if I eat something it will happen. To try and dispel those fears I already did my 200 crunches for the day. I did some brief stretching and yoga this morning, but I know I will have to do cardio later because the stretching just wasn't enough exercise to make me feel accomplished.

Not like not eating would be hard today. I will be on campus from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. which leaves me only an hour to eat before my 7 p.m. deadline. I think if I exercise right when I get home it will push me past that mark, and then I won't have to worry about it anymore. The only shitty part of the day will be working from 9 p.m. to Midnight. I always get ridiculously hungry and tired at work, which makes me angry and uncomfortable, which makes me want to cry. I'm kind of ridiculous that way, haha. I cry when I'm angry. Reminds me of Bella from Twilight. Where's my freaking Edward?

Oh, wait... I'm Team Jacob.
:-P

I had a Slim Fast for breakfast which is 180 calories. It isn't teeeechnically food, really. I'm just hoping it helps with the lightheadedness, which I'm assuming is from lack of food.

Does fasting make you tired? Because I couldn't even stay up to watch ECW last night, which I normally make sure I see come hell or high water. If fasting makes me miss SmackDown on Friday I may punch something, LOL.

I need to start picking up extra shifts at work and saving money so that I can take Jiu Jitsu once I lose a little more weight. I took Ryukyuu Kempo Karate in High School and lost like thirty pounds and a few pant sizes while doing it. I really want to take Jiu Jitsu because I ADORED karate. Its a great workout and makes you feel strong. I miss it! I just shudder to think how much the classes will cost... Ugh... Oh well. I should be able to save up the extra money I'm not spending on groceries, haha.

Stay Strong
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Ughhhhhhhhh... Time For Some Detox

So... I ended up eating yesterday. Like really bad food. I didn't even enjoy it, and afterwards I threw up because I wanted nothing more than to have it out of my system. I felt disgusting all day yesterday after I did it. Every movement I made felt like the walk of shame. The only redeeming moment was when I was throwing up part of the traitorous meal up. So I'm going to detox for the next two days. I'm fasting today, and will only drink water and green tea. Tomorrow I'm sticking with juices. Most likely a Slim Fast will be my meal, and I'll drink a V8 juice. The rest of the day will still be tea and water. I could wait til tomorrow to start it because it will be easier since Ill be gone all day, but I know there's no way I could look at myself in the mirror if I ate today... I think once I come home from my exam Im going to exercise, and then just go to sleep til I have to meet my group for a project.

I feel like my mind is in a war against my scale and my body. I'm throwing down the gauntlet here. If the scale doesn't budge... I won't eat.

I just hope my body isn't Hiroshima.

Stuck

55 LBS!

I m stuck at 55 lbs, and my weight will NOT budge!

SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!!

300 cals or less today. 45 minutes of working out with my tape will negate those calories because it is high intensity.

Hope this works.

Stay Strong
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Roll Along

I'm happy to say that Halloween and/or going home didn't ruin me even though a nice old lady on the trick-or-treating trail offered me candy. That's what I get for dressing up, haha. I ate about 700 calories yesterday which is horrible, but I figured it was better to get a jolt of calories to boost my metabolism on Saturday than to have my weight halt on Sunday or Monday while Im trying to start the new week of my routine. As I stated before, the 2nd week of my plan will include (with my personal changes included):

* Decrease calorie intake to 500 cals a day
* 200 crunches a day
* 30 minutes cardio a day
**Will vomit only if gone extremely over the limit with very restricted exercise for the day**

So far it looks like I will be successful. I had a boiled chicken breast and boiled broccoli for dinner which was around 200 calories. I ate a rice cake snack which is 35 calories. I'm going to have a Slim Fast tonight after I exercise because it is supposed to help with hunger. It will bring my grand total for the day up to 425. While I was at home I grabbed a more advanced exercise tape that is 45 minutes, which will fulfill my cardio for the day. Even though Im losing weight again, I'm still going to be more careful with my strength training. I want muscles when all is said and done, but I don't want to be bulky! Bulky is NOT sexy! I'm going to try restricting myself to only lifting weights on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Once I going exercising though I hate to stop! :-( I'll work on it though.

I've been feeling slightly depressed lately, but I don't have any reason to be. The stress of school isn't helping, but at least it distracts me from the sadness. I've been debating going to the school counselors for awhile, but if they find out I'm starving myself they'll try to force me to eat again, and I am afraid I'd succumb. I don't want to be sad anymore, but I don't want to risk giving up Ana either. Its the only thing that makes me happy lately! I don't know what to do! If anyone reads this: PLEASE HELP!

Stay Strong
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