Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Still

So after a few days of frustrated binging I'm trying to get back on track. I ate too much today, almost 700 calories, but I'm going to exercise it all off. Its all I can do now. It's what I'm going to do every day. If I can't work it off, then I shouldn't be sticking it in my mouth.

I will get through this.

There are no other options anymore. I knew there wasn't when I was at my friend's house and I accidentally let it slip that I wasn't eating that day. She's the type of friend who is a living health warning. She will tell me every single bad thing that can happen to me health wise by doing whatever it is that I'm doing that isn't up to her straight edge standards. And since I'm an ex-smoker, and a heavy drinker (only when I party, which isn't that often) you can imagine how annoyed I've gotten with the warnings she's given. I snapped.

"I don't mind the hunger."

"You can die."

"At least I'll die skinny."

Yeah... I snapped. FML. I could have bit my freaking tongue off after I said it. And it occured to me after I said it that in my mind it's the truth. I just want to be skinny, no matter what. It's not a thought process anymore. My being shies away from food. My binging this weekend was out of 21 years of habits, not enjoyment. After I ate I wanted nothing more than to be at my apartment so I could purge and get it all out of me. Unfortunately I was at home, and that wouldn't work. My Dad would have noticed.

I need to learn how to do what I WANT instead of what habits tell me I should do. Because I don't WANT to eat. But if I do... I'm gonna work it off. All of it.

Stay Strong
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