Evil Warlord

9 lbs down in 3 days. Not too shabby if I don't say so myself. The fast is going pretty rocky, and I've stumbled a bit, but you can't argue with results. I wanted to exercise more this week, but I have a huge exam this afternoon I've been cramming for as well as getting all my other homework done. Something is working, though!

I did manage to exercise on Monday, but the downside is my shoulder has been hurting ever since. I really want to take a multi-vitamin so my shoulder (Which, for those of you who have not been paying attention, was broken in April) can get the calcium it probably requires to stop being a pain in my ass. But all I can think is: "If I give my stupid body what it needs it won't need to work as hard, and therefore I won't lose as much weight. This is unacceptable." And then I send my imaginary broken collarbone to the imaginary jail of my body as I feel like I am an evil warlord over it these days. I should just sit in my bedroom all day drinking mead while I plot further ways to destroy my body.

At least I haven't smoked in a week. Lungs... you have pleased me. You will be granted a reprieve. DON'T DISSAPPOINT ME! I'm super excited that I was able to lose weight without smoking. I almost went and bought cigarettes that first day because I was so afraid I wouldn't. I dont know what changed, or what I finally did right, but I'm grateful!

What's sad is last night I was laying in bed, feeling lightheaded. And everytime I get super lightheaded from lack of food I start getting scared. I mean, think about it. I'm laying there, already delirious from lack of sleep, lightheaded, feeling pretty weak, I can't talk normally because I've jabbed a toothbrush down my throat to throw up too much recently... There are just some nights I go to bed and genuinely worry I won't wake up. I was almost in tears. I wanted to call my boyfriend, but he would have forced me to eat somehow, so I didn't. And its moments like that that people who don't have an ED don't understand. All that not-waking-up-fear is terrible. But in my mind gaining weight is worse. So even though Im cowered in bed, fearing for my life I-WILL-NOT-EAT.

The really sad part is I dont want to be cured, because everytime I think about food I think about the Halloween costume I just bought that I look like a stuffed sausage in and I need to look good in it before Halloween. I think about wrestling, and how there aren't any fat female wrestlers who have contracts these days! And about how much fatter I used to be and I can't give up now. About that pair of jeans I just can't quite squeeze into yet...

Okay, this post ended up in an entirely different place than it began. I need to go to campus and study so I don't fail out of college in my last semester. Ice water and starlight mints, don't fail me now!

Fast Time!

I have spent the past two weeks frolicking through a mass of grease and sugary goodness arm and arm with Mia. It's gross. AND it didnt even work. So its fast time.

I remember my most successful fast had a few key things.

1. Water. Ice Water. Lots of it.

Drinking ice water constantly keeps down hunger, and keeps your metabolism up. Ice water is my best friend.

2. Mints

Sounds weird, but its true. You constantly suck on those hard candy mints (The circular red and white or green and white ones) for several reasons. It's technically candy, so it makes you feel like you're cheating which makes it easier not to eat real food. Also, they're only like 5 calories a pop so you can go through a small bag a day for less than 500 calories. Finally, and this one is what's really awesome, for some reason these mints help stomach aches and help your focus. So all the hunger pains and drowsiness aren't as harsh as they normally would be. You'll also be grateful for the fresh breath when the toxins start escaping through your saliva, like it does with me.

3. Exercise

Exercise right after you wake up to get a metabolism boost early in the day. Plus you'll get a shot of endorphins which'll help keep your spirits up during the fast. Don't overdo it though, because your body won't be able to handle as much exercise the farther into a fast you get.

I usually do better when I smoke, too, but I'm trying to avoid that. Smoking is bad! My lungs need to be healthy for wrestling. I can't keep puffing away like I do or I'm screwed. Especially when I'm going to be cutting out food so my body will be weak anyways. Ughhhh but for some reason I never lose weight when I'm not smoking! Its exasperating! I don't get it! GAH! We'll just see what happens today with not smoking and go from there. Ugh.

107 ptg

ABC?

Everytime I start ABC I usually epicly fail. Buuuuuut we're going to give it a go anyways. I've had 490 calories today, which just barely skates under the 500 limit. Considering over half of those were from green beans I don't feel too bad about it.

Just spent the last 7 hours doing homework. I pretty much want to punch myself in the face before throwing myself off the nearby overpass into oncoming traffic.

I hate college.

Back to homework. Roar.

We Can't Fix Ourselves

Aaaaand I'm back. Not entirely sure if I'm happy to be back. I shouldn't be.

I was doing well with eating, and lifting weights. I wasn't losing pounds, but I was toning up hardcore. Then I started going back to wrestling class, and I couldn't do any moves because my shoulder was sore from weight training. So my trainer made me stop.

I have 18 credit hours and a night job. I barely have time to breathe, much less exercise (only cardio now. Thanks broken collarbone!). So my natural response was to just stop eating. My trainer always makes me eat when I'm around him, which sucks... But when Im at home? Anything I put in my mouth makes me feel gross. I have to purge it afterwards. But I was still trying to convince myself eating was okay so I kept binging and purging. Now my mouth is sore. Ugh. So Im going back to just not eating. Harder, but way more effective. I have about 108 pounds left to lose. Am I happy to be sinking back into my ED? No... But I am happy to be back on this blog! Always makes me feel way more accountable for my actions.

And the sad, sad fact is I missed it...

SO, today thus far have had about 100 calories worth of Greek yogurt. All I have in my apartment is greek yogurt and canned veggies. See also: college life. Hopefully means I can't go too far astray, especially since I dont have any freaking money. We shall see...

Sorry this post was mostly rambling nonsense. I'll try and collect my thoughts a little better before the next one, haha!

Love all you ladies! Can't wait to catch up on your blogs, but for now... homework! :-(

Dumb Dumb Dumb

Pretty sure I failed that 2 week 10 pound challenge. Can't remember exactly when it ends/ended but there's no way. This weekend sucked. Had about 1000 calories Friday but didn't really do anything all day. Saturday walked 6 miles but had a ridiculous amount of sushi. Sunday had a salad and walked maybe 2 miles? Doesn't sound ridiculously bad, but it was enough to give me back a pound instead of losing the last couple to reach my goal.

Fie on food.

Talked to my mom on the phone yesterday. I'll be flying back home to the O-H-I-O on August 6th. Woot! Which means I have 26 days left here to lose some weight. Good news? I have around 13/14 meals left. So if I just eat every other day I should be okay. And by meal I mean a package of ramen. lol.

Once I get back I'll have to be super careful while home til I get to my apartment back at school. Will have to locate excuse to go to wrestling class early and get some exercise in. Hmmmm

Anyways, ticked at weekend. Now at work for one stupid meeting while I waste the rest of my day. Le sigh.

F Me

F restaurants. F them to hell. And F me. F me for being pissed at myself for eating probably a half cup of vegetables and like a teaspoon of salad dressing. And two pickle wedges. I wanted to cry. I felt so fat just eating that. What is wrong with me? I fele like I'm going to gain 5 pounds now. F. F. F. There's something seriously wrong with me. But Im so happy that food is so repulsize to me right now. Sick.

Day 3: 6 Pounds Later

WOOOOT! Day 3 of my fast, and still going strong. Yesterday I had about 60-70 oz of water and diet tea. I have not ingested calories in over 48 hours. :-) Hopefully today I'll be able to keep it up. I've lost 3 pounds each day of the fast. Don't know how well today will go, though. As of right now I am out of cigs. Might walk to the store on lunch and get some more. Burn some non-existant calories. Unless there's calories in espresso...? Hmmm...

Okay, just checked through the almight powers of Google. It said coffee/espresso (plain, without adding shit to it) is only like 3 calories. I can deal with that!

To everyone who is doing the 10 pounds/2 weeks challenge keep up the good work! I've got 7 pounds to go thanks to the holiday weekend. But this fast is going well, and I've got high hopes! The chance to be a Knockout is just too close to screw this up now...

Had yet another date with the green hunger creator last night, and still didn't give in! My will is strong... hahaha.

Might be going to Six Flags this weekend with my roommate and our friend from work. Im excited, but my roommate and I are both nervous. We are not pixies (It seems cruel that after losing like 136 pounds Im still not a pixie. But whatever). Sometimes we can't get into the damn rides. At least thats how it used to be for me. I know logically I should be able to now, but the old fear is still there... I wonder if it will ever go away?

On my effing period too. Sucky. But usually I don't lose weight on my period so maybe I'll drop like a beast once its over?

Done rambling for now... Going to go find some other way to waste my time at work. Boss is out of the office today through next Tuesday. At least that means 4 day w- scratch that. Just got told I gotta work on Monday. Balls.

Peace out!

4th of July Kills...

At least diets. Unless you get hit in the face with a firework. Then you just die in general. But anyways, as anticipated, the 5 day weekend royally messed me up. I'm back at square one. However, I am now fasting. I am still determined to lose that 10 pounds by this Sunday/next Monday. It is do-able still. I lost three pounds yesterday as I had:

-42 oz of Arizona diet green tea (0 calories)
-42 oz of home made green tea/Chinese senna leaf tea with only artificial sweeteners (0 calories)
-16 oz of water (Obviously, 0 calories)

The senna tea made me super sick this morning, but worth it. Its supposed to clean out your digestive system, and make it more effective. So here's hoping that a 5 day fast will knock it out. It should...

Anyhoo, time to work. Im armed with another 42 oz of Arizona tea, and a glass of water. The next 8 hours will be simple. Theeeen I go home, where the real work begins.

But on a plus note, I have broken the high munchies curse. No more worries there! If I can resist food when I've been smoking, I can sure as crap do it when I'm not.

Eesh!

WOW, was SUPER busy at work today! I have officially had 3 cups of espresso/coffee, and I feel like I could bounce off the walls right now.

Anyways, 5 day vacation coming up for the 4th of July holiday, so I wont be able to blog for awhile! :-( Stupid broken computer from hell. Will let ya'll know how the 10/2 Challenge is going when I return! Positive thoughts! I believe in all of you!

Drink espresso!

:-D :-D :-D :-D

Day 3

Day 3 of the 10 Pound/2 Week challenge! 2 pounds down! Woohoo! This might be achievable after all! Which is surprising considering I epicly failed the first day, and yesterday I had a salad from Baja Fresh (salads at restaurants are sketchy. They put so much junk on them), an apple, 2 red peppers, and like 3 chocolate chip cookies (curse you high munchies! Curse you!). Today I'm still food free (not surprising since I'm at work), but have had two cups of coffee. Zing! How bad is creamer and Splenda for you? Shiz... genuine work time. Continue later...

10 Pounds/ 2 Weeks

Starting a new challenge with Hanz to try and lose 10 pounds in 2 weeks. Seems impossible considering Ive been in a rut for like 2 months now. However, I feel like this is the burst I need to get back on track. It technically started yesterday, but my roomie brought one of our various "smoking buddies" home with him and, one thing led to another and I ended up making everybody crab alfredo. Balls. At least I didn't gain any weight. I'm downing water like its my job right now. I want to get myself absolutely sick on water so that I dont even want to look at food.

This is going to be rough. My computer died two days ago. Like the hard drive is shot soooo no more computer for me for the next 6 weeks! Unless I'm at work like right now. So while at home I will have nothing. to. occupy. my. time. Work out? Yeah, of course. But my roommates would get suspicious if I just suddenly became a gym rat. Aaaaaanybody who's read anything Ive written knows I am not. I hate it. The only workout I like is at wrestling. Luckily Ive scheduled 24 hours of it a week into my schedule for this semester. :) NOT including shows on weekends! I will be fit! Excited! However, the next 6 weeks need to be taken seriously. I cannot come back from Los Angeles the same weight as when I left. When people see me they expect to see less of me. Every time. It's come to be the norm. If I don't, they'll wonder what changed. What happened? And then they might look more closely at what I do when I'm at school. Which would be disastrous to say the least. So, yes, 10 pounds in the next two weeks. Maybe 30 in the next 6? That would potentially get me in smaller jeans, which would be an acceptable loss for the summer.

Nothing is acceptable except bones.

We'll get there...

I'm the smallest I've been since I can remember, and it still isn't good enough. I keep making excuses when I get home as to why I eat. I have 6 weeks left in SoCal, and only 50 dollars. I can't AFFORD to eat! Why can't I stop?!

Control.

I will have control.

Not eating is so easy while at work. Once I get home, though... It all goes to hell. Especially when the green comes out.

I'm out of cigarettes. Hell.

I need a hit.

Last day of work for the week! My supervisor isn't mean enough to make me work Fridays. 3 days to not eat. Hopefully 3 of my roomies will be going to San Diego this weekend, so I won't have to answer to them. My other roomie tends to disappear without warning, so no worries there either, haha. Only worry that he'll get kidnapped and I won't notice. I'm such a bad roommate.

Arcade Fire soothes my soul.

So Hot We'll Melt Your Popsicle

I ate an apple today and felt like a failure. Le sigh. I know its absurd, but those feelings just don't go away do they?

California Girls, We're Unforgettable

Fail. Bought cigarettes. *sigh* Ate food. *sigh* Still lost 10 pounds? Win!

Boy #1 is still messing with my head and it makes me want to punch him. Found out my trainer is messing around with someone else. Wtf? WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY WORLD?! On a bright note, my trainer did tell me that there are 3-4 promoters on his case about getting me into the ring quickly. I could not agree more. Only 47 more days in La La Land, and then I return home for my last semester of school, and hopefully the first full semester in my wrestling career. Bring on the training, shows, and opponents! I am so ready.

Just going to stop eating period. Need to look good in ring gear. Missed you, Ana.

California Gurls

Wow. I've been gone for forever. Laaaaame of me!

So I've been in L.A. for over a month for my internship. Gained back like 9 pounds (2 of which I dropped yesterday as I ate mostly fruits and veggies). FML. I'm starting ABC today, but its going to be hard with 4 roommates who like to go out. I will make it work, though!

Life is a mix of super high highs, and super low lows right now. I've had two guys flirt with me only to tell me they won't do more when they don't have feelings involved. Which makes me wonder why the hell its so hard to develop feelings for me! :-( Seriously! Boys are dumb. The end.

I had ANOTHER guy tell me he DOES like me. Good? No. This guy is my wrestling trainer. We really need to keep a platonic relationship for my career's sake. More like I don't want my wrestling career to be dependant on yet another emotional guy who can't possibly handle me. Ugh. I just don't know about people these days.

Loving LA, but missing home, friends, and family. :-(

Getting addicted to the World Cup. Its my entire day plan tomorrow. USA vs Slovenia (we're gonna die) and England vs Algeria (THEY'RE gonna die!) tomorrow! See you then, tv.

I am such a druggie right now.My roommate got his medical marijuana card... Ohhh the fun we've had. At least I quit smoking cigarettes, haha. Which I'm debating going to the grocery store on my break and getting some. They help control hunger! I swear! Ugh... don't do it, moron.

Missed my blog. :-) Missed you all. Get ready for some ABC goodness!

500 cals today. Let's go!

Period.

Stupid effing period always gums up the works. How annoying.

I'm going to see the counselor again tomorrow. Its my first official appointment. I really need to lie about my eating habits. I have way more, cooler, sadder problems for her to be concerned with than this. And those problems are much more difficult for me to take. So I think she should do her fricking job and fix me.

P.S. My Dad is now on Facebook. And MySpace. Ser.i.ous.ly? My Dad thinks Im such a good little girl, that I don't do anything he wouldn't approve of. What a load of crap. I've made out with chicks when I'm drunk (I'm straight, I swear, haha), as well as made out with (and further) with two different guys over my spring break (I swear I'm not a slut either... Just have saying no issues... Hence the counselor) and am eagerly anticipating getting a tattoo after my college graduation along with a nose piercing once I move safely out of disowning range. He also doesn't realize that my life's dearest ambition is to be a TNA Knockout or a WWE Diva, because the only two times I've been truly happy in life have been when I was on stage performing and when I was in karate class. Mix the two together and what do you get? A sports entertainer.

HENCE WHY MY PERIOD NEEDS TO GO AWAY SO MY WEIGHT CAN GO DOWN.

Ugh... Im getting an iced caffe mocha from Starbucks. No worries, use nonfat milk, and get no whipped cream and its only about 200 calories. That'll be it for the day then. I need to relearn how to fast. I miss it. Screw this binging crap.

Smoke

The last week I smoked I lost 20 lbs.

The week I quit I lost 9.

To smoke or not to smoke... This is the question. How sick AM I? This will tell me, won't it?

Tired

Do you ever just get tired of life? I'm so tired...

Definition

I've come to the conclusion that Mia is way more addictive than Ana. Which is really not good. My throat is raw. I keep telling people its because I walked home in the rain the other day and now I'm sick. Which is possible. But I'm 99.9% certain its because I keep jabbing the end of a toothbrush down my throat and throwing up masses of food. Just a hunch. It frustrates me that I've become so weak. Why can't I go back to fasting like I used to? I got through a good 10-12 days before! Why can I not get through even one now. I think part of the trick is to start fasting on a day when you're really busy. Don't have time to eat. That way when day two rolls around you'll be like "Oh, well, I already made it through one day. I don't want to ruin it now." Once you get past day 3 it gets so much easier...

I keep waking up so determined to fast, but then the cravings get ridiculous. Im hopeing I've exhausted every possible craving I migh get for awhile. I just need to fast til Easter. Then Im going home for a big dinner with the family. And she's making up an Easter basket for me... I can guarantee it. Cruel...

Hope everyone else is doing better, and not hating yourselves as much as I hate myself this morning. I can take the hunger, the lightheadedness... Those don't define me. It's the hate that defines me, and no one should be defined that way.

Been Awhile

I've been avoiding my blogging as I have been sneaking around Ana's back with Mia. Sometimes she's just easier to take. But it still makes me feel like a failure. I blabbed to my counselor that I'm anorexic. Shiz. I need to start lying, and saying I started eating. This is one issue that I don't want to fix right now. Not till I'm skinny.

Despite my affair with Mia I've still lost 20 pounds this past week. Which sounds cool, til you realize that's about how much I gained back over spring break. Stupid break. I think I'm gonna start walking to campus instead of driving. Since I hate exercise with such a fiery passion it might help me get mine. I need it, no matter how much I hate it.

I've eaten some fruit this week. And I still lost lots of weight. So maybe I should grab some fruit tomorrow after class. Its like fruit doesn't count, haha. I know, I know, everything counts. But maybe fruit will help me not plateau. My body won't be able to go into survival mode because it IS getting food. Hmmm... Im just thinking through my fingers. Anyways, I'm tired. Time to go to bed so I can get up early and trek to campus. Woot!

Manifest Destiny

I purge salad...

How sick is that?

Highlight of the day: two celebs following me on Twitterrrrrr! Yeah, totally not ana related, haha. I still feel boss. Oh, and I also have a date today. Yet the Twitter thing is still the highlight, haha. Because on the date... Im gonna have to lie my ass off. Great start to a relationship, right? LYING! I've been as truthful with him as possible in all other areas, but in this one... I just say I'm on a diet. Shit. This is why I don't want a fricking relationship right now.

Also because I'll be in L.A. this summer, and then hopefully moving there in the winter. I don't want any more ties to Ohio. Ugh...

Whatever. It'll work out. Hopefully.

First Days Blow

The first day of a fast always suuuuuuuuucks! But on a good note: I'M GOING TO L.A. THIS SUMMER! I jsut found out I got an internship for the summer with E! If that isnt thinspo, I don't know what is. I'm going to be at the mothership of beautiful people. I NEED to be thin and beautiful. Want isn't even in my vocabulary anymore. This is necessary.

I just wish the first day wasn't so damn hard.

Cyanide; Living Dead Inside

Fasting starts again today. Wish spring break was longer, and at the same time glad its over. It is sooooo much easier not to eat when you're busy. I am so not going to make my GW by the end of this semester. MAYBE by June... Which is sad.

I didnt have time to make my list of everything that is wrong with me over the weekend, so I'm going to do that today. Along with a list of stuff to do instead of eating.

I will be successful. I will not eat until I plateau. And then I won't go overboard like I did this week. Ugh...

Maybe I'll post my list later... SO ya'll can see what a fruit loop I really am.

Fuck This Life

I feel like my heart has been ripped out, and crushed... My insides are all twisted around. And yet... I feel empty and broken.

My friend's roommate and I were hanging out this week... He promised he wouldn't force me into anything sexual... He promised he'd be different.

He lied.

I dont see how its fair that I should be taken advantage of not once, but twice in my life. Do I have "Low Self Esteem: You Can Fuck Her Without Her Consent" written on my forehead?

Boys lie.

I'm going to go write down every damn thing that's wrong with me and what I need to do to fix it. I need to focus on perfection. Because focusing on boys gets you raped.

One Stupid Piddling Pound

Ever since I started taking vitamins again I've only been able to lose one pound a day. In order to reach my goal by summer break I need to lose 2.1 pounds a day. Not cool. Can the vitamins do that? Its also around the time I stopped smoking (this time, haha). I've heard that can do it, but I don't know... It also might be a plateau... WHICH THE FUCK IS IT?!?! Gah. I'm not going to take vitamins today. Don't have money for cigs. Gonna call my parents and make them take me out for sushi. Oh, and pay my phone bill. Ugh. I hate having people pay for me. I feel so helpless. I can't stand that feeling. I need to call the Krav Maga place this weekend. Krav Maga is how Michelle McCool works out, and have you SEEN Michelle McCool????

Point made. Have a great day ya'll.

One? Really? ONE?!

I get really irritated when randomly during a fast I lose one pound instead of my usual 3. Even 2! The only thing I did differently yesterday was take my vitamins that I had completely been forgetting about. I feel totally discouraged. Which is dangerous for me. When I feel discouraged I binge. The only thing that is saving me from that is that I have a 3-4 page paper to write tonight. If I still barely lose anything tomorrow, though, I'm in trouble. Two of my classes are cancelled, so I only have my 1:30-2:20 class. Only 50 minutes of my life will not be spent sitting in my apartment. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Ana, save me.

I Hate Them, And I Love Them

Okay, so I'm not done venting for the day. I didn't realize I needed to vent til I reread my last post, and realized something: No one freaking knows.

I've lost 109 pounds, yet no one has realized I'm anorexic??? I know, I know... I don't look like an anorexic. But come on, people! How do they not realize that I'm not eating? My friend was here with me all day yesterday. She ate. I didn't. She just automatically believed me when I said I ate earlier yet there's no dirty dishes, and nothing food related in my trash. I didn't eat dinner with her. How have these people not realized whats going on???

I don't see them for a month, and suddenly I'm wearing a size smaller of jeans, and my face is thinner. Instead of only losing the 12 pounds I should have lost healthily, I've lost 25 or 30. I understand that I eat when it is strategic to eat. I eat around THEM. But still. Do they care so little about me that when I show up like this they don't think, for a moment... They don't wonder... "Is she eating?"

And my family! They can tell I'm losing weight. Rapidly. But only once has my mom ever asked me if I was eating. I said yes. Does everyone trust my word so much that when I lie straight to their face they believe me? I'm a horrible liar.... Or at least I used to be.

I'm pushing people away... I'm distancing myself because I don't want them to know what's going on. But that doesn't mean I don't wish someone would care enough to check on me. And I'm also stopping myself from connecting with new people... Because I don't want to screw them up like I'm screwed up. I don't want them to see how messed up I am.

But I am messed up. I'm always going to be messed up.

I Can Feel A Change, I Can Feel, Can You Feel It?

18 pounds in one week. That really shouldn't be possible, but I kind of don't care that I'm killing myself. Because I need to look like the Divas.

I need to be in shape, because if I don't I will fail my friend who's counting on me to go after our dreams even if she can't. I'll fail myself for not going after the one thing in my life that I want more than anything. I never have gone after my dreams because I never felt like I deserved them. For once... Just for once I want to deserve something. And if I have to go to bed hungry at night... If I have to lie to my friends and family about how I'm losing the weight... I will do it. I will do whatever it takes to deserve my dream, and achieve it.

Stay Strong

Hunger hurts but starving works

7 lbs down, and I am sooooo tired. I have no energy at ALL. Albeit, I did only get 4 hours of sleep last night due to work... But I just took a nap. I should be awake. I so am not. So Im cranking out this blog and some crappy homework and then Im going straight back to bed.

I hope I wake up. How sick is it that I worry about waking up in the morning, yet I still starve myself? Saying "at least I'll die thin" is sooooo not the cliche sayings of a drama queen. Its reality.

Don't want to bore you to tears with my life, and Im too tired to anyways. Goodnight, world. Don't worry, Ill still be hungry in the morning.

Fasting is Fun! Right...

Day 1 of a 14+ day fast. I say plus, because I'm not sure when I'll get another paycheck. I get paid in another 11 days, but they won't let us pick up our checks anymore. You either have to get the money direct deposited, or mailed home. As I don't have a checking account (I don't do well with those), I have to get my checks mailed home. My 30 minutes away home. Not a ridiculously long distance, but I am really busy. So, add on the mailing time, and my busy schedule I have no idea when I'll be able to afford food again. Which could work out pretty well for me, haha.

I'm glad to be fasting again, because I know it'll work. But let's be honest here, people. Fasting hurts. I'm already lightheaded, and tired. So aggravating. Why can't I be peppy and hungry?! Grrrrr.... I hope the people around me are ready for bitch mode.

I am such a bad person. I went to a party at my friend's house this past Saturday. One of my guy friends has been in and out of a relationship for a couple years now. Right now they're off. He kept putting his arm around me, trying to hold my hand, and kissing my hands. He's a nice guy, but I am soooo not going there with him. Once I realized that through my vodka induced stupor I realized I needed to distance us for the rest of the night. One of my friend's coworkers showed up at the party around this time. I don't know why, but I was totally drawn to him. We flirted all night. He held me, kissed my forehead and hands... And then we also "fought" all the time. I love it when guys rough house with me. I am not a girly girl, haha! My guy friend felt sick, so he went to lay down. After I checked on him I left the room, and kept the door open so that he could call for us if he needed us. The coworker was in the hall having just come upstairs, and we started messing around and play fighting. And my guy friend, sweet, pure soul that he is, called out "Get off her!"

I have nooo idea what to do. My friend is nice, but I don't want a relationship with him. At all. I just hope I don't break him. The coworker is a slutty bad boy. So I kind of don't want a relationship with him either, but I like him.

GAH! Why can't my ED be my ONLY issue?!!?

Oh No The Fires Burning My Insides Again; What Can I Do To Silence My Desire Tonight?

Flames consuming reason

Leaving only ashes left

You will catch me regretting my decision

I can't keep telling myself

What I want to hear

I can't just close my eyes

I know that its killing me

And its poinsoning the best in me

What I see I don't want to believe

So let me tell you more about the lies I lead...

-Slow Burn by Atreyu

Fuck food. I'm fasting. Saturday I can't, because I'm going up to Monroe, Michigan to hang out with friends, and we're drinking. And I making cookies. And I know they will take me to Pete's Garage again, which is a restaurant/bar. FML.

But today, tomorrow, Sunday, and every day after that... Fasting. I'm sick of calorie counting. I'm sick of wondering how badly its going to hurt to puke it up later. I'm sick of walking through the grocery store feeling like a fat ass. I'm sick of jamming a toothbrush down my throat.

Fasting. Only water and mints to control hunger pains will cross my lips. Even if I ate 25 mints a day that would still only be 500 calories. I need to continue exercising as well. I want to be a Diva, not a stick figure.

Fasting is my happy place.

FU VD

Valentine's Day royally screw up diets... Even when you're alone.

I'm So Sick Of When They Say

It's just a phase, you'll be okay

You're fine...

But I know it's a lie.

I often wonder whether I'll ever be able to stop this. So many times I'll go get food, thinking "I just need to jump start my metabolism." or "I need to learn to eat again."... But then I throw it up. I can't stand to have it inside of me.

The most frustrating of all is when it doesn't even produce results. I haven't lost weight in like two weeks. I don't even know what to do right now. ABC isn't working. Exercising isn't helping. I can't eat, because I throw it up anyways. I can't help it.

I suck.

Let's Try This AGAIN!

Okay, starting ABC over... Yes, again. Shaddup. Don't judge.

This time I'm writing down everything I eat and the number of calories it is. I figure that will help me keep an eye on what I'm really doing, and make me more aware of what I'm eating. I'm also trying to exercise every day. Just ten minutes though. These DVD's I have are really hard to keep up with and catch on to when you're as uncoordinated as me. Plus, if I start working out like a boss now, I won't have any extra strength or time left when I hit my next plateau. It always happens. So I figure I'll just do ten minutes of these videos every day till I can either do them perfectly, or I hit a plateau. Hopefully that will happen later rather than sooner. I hate plateaus.

I'm in one right now. I tried eating more, eating less, blah, blah, blaaaaaaaaaah! Exercising better freaking work. Especially when coupled with ABC. If not, I... Well I'll pretty much just go crazy. Not pretty.

I Can't Find My Way...

...I fear I've gone too far

The war is gone but my struggle's just begun

I can't feel my hands

The weather's turning harsh

I travel on beneath the ash that falls like snow

An endless night

Into an age when time has died

All that remains is the want to survive

Wander through decay

I step through the ruin of all I've known

Gone is the sun

Gone is our hope today

The sky above is grey as far as I can see

And I'm so cold

I know that I can't walk much more

I think I'll rest a while though I may not wake

But I can't care

All those I've loved have long been dead

-Final Words by Bella Morte

When I first got to college in St. Louis I had one of those not-real-boyfriend-but-online-version-of-a-boyfriend things. Yeah, one of those. I did it because I was lonely. The guy I'd been with in High School wasn't my boyfriend, but he was the guy who used me as an excuse to break up with his girlfriend. He said we were going to go out eventually. Then he started going out with another girl and ignored me completely. So, yes. I got myself an online freak. And I don't mean that against people who find meaningful relationships online. This guy was seriously a freak. But I still spent all my extra time online with him. I missed out on all of the friend-making days of your first semester because I was holed up in my room. I had one good friend. And a few acquaintances through a club I was involved in (which ended up giving me my other amazing friend).

I also had my coworkes. I had the greatest coworkers in the world. Probably because I had the best freaking college job ever. Technically I worked in the Media Center renting out equipment (I'm a Video Production major), taking phone calls, doing a little paper work and bookkeeping... But really we just watched movies all the time. I had the best bosses too. Except Cole. He annoyed the hell out of me when I first met him. He's one of those types of people who didn't mince words. He didn't protect your feelings if he had something to say.

At first.

After my first semester I realized that my online boyfriend was a fruitcake. I guess college really does make you smarter, huh? So I left him. I trader him in for a slightly less psychotic (I thought), kinder (I thought), normal (I thought) guy. In reality he was an idiotic, controlling, bum who will never amount to anything in his life. I wasn't ALLOWED to drink or smoke (not bad things to give up, but it's the fact that I wasn't ALLOWED to do it that should have been a red flag). When I would go home for breaks he would call me incessantly, and even told me that he didn't like me hanging out with my friends because I wasn't available to take his calls and he was jealous of them. He forced me into having sex for a very long time. I should have ended it after the first time, but I didn't. I didn't want to be alone. He never hit me, but he did raise a hand against me once and I knew it was only a matter of time... Especially towards the end when I started getting snippier and meaner because I didn't care anymore.

But I did care about someone else.

I fell in love with Cole. I worked all the same shifts as him, and he approved. We bantered. He went off on a student that had given me crap for his own mistakes. He told me to leave my boyfriend. But I didn't... I didn't think that someone like him would want to be with someone like me, and I definitely didn't want to be alone. I can still feel his hand on my shoulder the day before I left for Christmas break, and the smile he gave... He thought I was going home to leave my boyfriend. But I choked. I failed him.

When I announced that spring that I was transferring he tried to convince me to stay. They all did. I didn't listen. I had to get away. None of them knew the true reason I was running away. It didn't matter. I hugged Cole goodbye, and I never wanted to let go. My boyfriend was standing right there but I didn't care. After awhile we split apart, and I left with the one who hurt me. But I was stronger... One more rape couldn't hurt me by then. I was practically frozen.

I'm home now, and broke up with my boyfriend a month or so after I'd returned. Once our separation had given me enough strength to break the chains...

But once I got to my apartment at my new school everything went to hell. I missed the friend-making part again, but this time... This time it was because I was constantly in an alcohol-driven stupor. Keeping myself drunk was the only way I could get through the nights by myself. Thinking about Cole. ALL the time. It never stopped. I dreamt about him. I still do sometimes... I became a serious partier when my HS friends came home for breaks. I did some pot. Continued drinking. Started smoking cigarettes.

And then I... got over it? I met some new friends, and reconnected with old ones. Everything got better. Sort of.

I'm still a bitch, I think. I feel nothing. For barely anyone. I love my best friend so much. I love her sister like my own sister. My guy friend keeps my sane, even though he may drive me crazy a lot (Yes, that makes sense. To me.). I have a bunch of friends I adore. But outsiders...? I don't trust them. I almost... hate them. I don't know if its possible for me to love anyone again. I obsess over things because it keeps me happy to think that someday I might be normal enough to actually achieve some of my dreams.

Cole is moving to Korea. He told me about it over a year ago, but I figured he'd decided not to... It was so long ago. I was secure in the fact that if I was ever strong enough to go visit St. Louis someday he would be there... And I could see him one more time.

I'm never going to see him again.

I ate. I ate a lot over the past couple days and I'm sure it shows. ABC is starting over today... The road to perfection will keep my brain and emotions occupied, right?

I love you, Cole.

You Keep Crying, Crying, Crying Till You Cannot See At All; You Keep Crying, Crying, Crying Till You Cannot Breathe At All

This week has been super stressful and busy. After a string of 3 pound losses (Thankyouverymuch, ABC!) I lost absolutely nothing Monday. I was freaking shocked when I jumped on the scale yesterday morning. So, me being the panicker I am, I ran to the store after classes and bought a bunch of food, binged, and purged. I was ashamed until I got the effect I wanted... Another three pounds yesterday...

For being so bad for me it sure as hell works. Then to top off the excellence I had a dream about the guy in the picture last night. That ALWAYS makes for a good night! Bless John Morrison... :-P I'm not sure which part of the dream was better: The fact that he was into me, or the fact that he could pick me up... Wow, I'm sick. Especially since I'm leaning towards the latter.

I've officially lost 101 pounds... But I'm not even halfway there... Close, but not so much. I'm really depending on this 2-3 pound a day loss trend to get me done by summer. In light of that I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure I'm gonna stick with ABC till I'm done. It seems to be working really well. I always knew staggering worked, I just didn't realize there was a specific plan that utilized it so well... Glad I know now!

Oh shit... Time for class and my stuff isn't done printing. SOB!

I Dreamed A Dream In Time Gone By; When Hope Was High And Life Worth Living

I had a dream about my blog last night... Yes. I am one of those freaks, haha!


In other news, ABC is going well, though I don't know how well it will be going today. My friend and I are going out to the bar tonight to watch the Royal Rumble pay-per-view (GO MATT HARDY!!!) I really don't have money for food... But I do have like a dollar in change... which is the cost of a big pretzel at the bar... Which I almost always get at the pay-per-views... Its like my thing. I need to perservere tonight! No pretzels! No food period! (At least not bar food).


I'm allowed 400 calories today, but that's all of the food left in my apartment. FML. I think I'm going to try having 100 a day (except Tuesday because that is a fasting day on ABC). That will keep me til I get paid. Or, I'll have 200 calories of my own food today, get some crackers or something with my change on campus tomorrow (since I'm allowed 500). And then fast Tuesday, and have 100 on Wednesday and Thursday. That won't be putting me so far under what I'm supposed to be eating. I know that ABC says you can obviously eat less than those daily amounts, but I also know from experience that staggering your caloric intake helps keep your body burning shit up, because it has no idea how many calories it's going to get.


Keep the traitor guessing.


It's been awhile since I posted thinspo:

You're Just Another Star That's Burnt Out Too Quickly

I failed epicly on ABC yesterday. Yes, epicly. My piddling little excuse this time is that I gave blood, so I was feeling sick. So my friend (yeah, that butthead friend who knows my dirty little secret) talked me into going and getting food. I have pretty good willpower when I'm by myself... But with my friends? It goes on vacation. The silver lining is that I still managed to lose 4 pounds. So we shall continue on the road of ABC! At least til Sunday when I officially run out of food... Uh oh...

Time for another I hate emotions vent. I really, truly do. So yesterday this same friend was trying to convince me that these two guys were flirting with me. And I was (and still am) convinced that they were not. I mean, come on... Cute guys like that do NOT flirt with fatasses like me!! That's not how the world works. I learned that lesson a long time ago. One of the guys is in my class, okay? This is a problem. Why? Because when I even get a glimmer of hope, and think that maybe, just maybe, someone likes me, my subconscious and emotions latch onto that feeling and hold on for dear life. This body was made to dream, but I figured out long ago that dreams don't come true for girls who look like me. But it doesn't matter what I know in my brain. My subconscious doesn't care. I had an effing dream about the guy last night. Like... seriously? LEAVE ME ALONE, EMOTIONS! JE DETESTE TU!! I am going to give my friend the effing bitch-out of his life today. At least I don't have to worry about the second guy. I'll never see him again. He was just the guy giving blood next to me at the drive.

Which, p.s., gave me an immense feeling of good karma, haha! Success! Anyways, today is 300 calories! When you fall off the horse, you gotta get right back on, and that's what I'm doing. So I'll most likely be eating a bag of 100 calorie popcorn and a can of soup (150) today... As all I have left in the apartment besides that one can of soup IS microwave popcorn... Yeah... I'm a college student, haha!

So hold your head high gorgeous,

People would kill to see you fall,

In the dead of the night they can't hear you screaming

You swear revenge, against them all.

So stay strong beautiful

It won't matter if they think less of you here,

But you cry by the window when wishes in moonlight don't come true

Doesn't mean you have to fear.

So never take the words he said to heart darling,

He has no idea what he meant,

To you it meant a life time,

To him, a lie worth less than a cent.

So don't drown yourself in what you call medicine honey,

It will only do you harm,

because you never got drunk enough to get him off your mind.

So don't believe you will never amount to anything sweetie,

You truly have no idea what you're worth,

I see what you're trying to hide from me,

I understand how much you're hurt.

So don't be afraid to crumble love,

Have you even forgotten who you are?

You walk around thinking you aren't beautiful,

The truth could never have been more far...

So when you forget about him,

Don't regret the pain you felt,

It'll only make you better

And you'll know how to play the hand you're dealt.

So hold your head high gorgeous,

Show the world you're fine,

Don't give in to the heartache,

Because people would kill to see you fall...

-Author Unknown

Do You See My Face, Sad Behind My Smile. Fake It For Awhile, Tell Me What Should I Do?

FINALLY ABC is paying off! Lost two pounds yesterday. I guess the period curse is over. Man, I hope I didn't just jinx myself. Another plus? I'm looking at 5 days of a good night's sleep! That hasn't happened since school started! That should definitely help with the weight loss. I read in multiple places that you won't lose weight if you're not getting enough sleep. I have a feeling that 4 hours a night is not enough. Yay for sleep!


I'm on day 5 of ABC today which is 100 calories. Kind of sucks, haha, but I'm used to fasting so shouldn't be TOO bad! I ate an apple, which is the bulk of my allowance. If I get hungry later I'll snack on jell-o.


Time to go do homework... The sooner I'm done the sooner I can sleep. :-P



ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......

You Got To Fight Just To Make It Through, Because I Will Be The Death Of You...

ABC is failing... Or my period is causing it to fail. Or my erratic sleep patterns. Or do I need to exercise? It' s just been so hectic...

"Excuses..."

I wake up at 6:30, go to class til 2:30, do homework till 8, nap til 11, at work til 3, go to bed, then do it again.

"Excuses..."

I guess I'm going to try and get as much homework stuffed into the time between classes today so that I can exercise instead of doing that after class. Maybe that will help. Then again, if it really is just my period affecting the plumbing, then I'm screwed, and working out and still not getting results will be totally disheartening.

"STOP MAKING EXCUSES!"

That's right... Just shut up, eat your air, then work it off on the treadmill and pretend that you'll be happy someday. You damn well know you won't be.

"I'm A Mess of Insecurities...

...Attention Starved With A Narcissistic Twist"

So I deduced a problem with thise whole ABC thing... I don't get paid again until February 5th. The total calorie count of food in my apartment? 1250. That will, at best, get me through day 7. Which will be this Sunday. Which means I'll be going on an unintentional 4 day fast. Crud. I'm all for fasts normally, but that was exactly what I was trying to avoid by doing ABC. I don't want my stupid metabolism to shut down. Oh well... Nothing I can do about it. Now, though, I'm just trying to decide whether to start ABC all over again after I get paid, or just pick back up on day 8. I guess I'll just have to see how the weight loss goes til then.

Which brings me to my current irritation: Periods! Nothing is quite as disheartening than your stupid period making you gain weight. Muchos annoying. Sometimes being a female sucks. I need some serious thinspo. My inspiration in life, health, and style: Ashley Massaro!

Stay Strong!

I Choose Death Before Dishonour

It's been a couple days since I started eating again to boost my metabolism. I am one pound heavier than I was last week when the eating pretty much started (with a brief fast that did diddly-squat). I don't want to go straight back to fasting just yet because I'm kind of petrified of my metabolism shutting down again. Instead, I'm going to do this ABC Diet I've been hearing about people doing and losing tons of weight. Basically it goes like this:

Day 1: 500 calories (or less)

Day 2: 500 calories (or less)

3. 300

4. 400

5. 100

6. 200

7. 300

8. 400

9. 500

10. Fast

11. 150

12. 200

13. 400

14. 350

15. 250

16. 200

17. fast

18. 200

19. 100

20. fast

21. 300

22. 250

23. 200

24. 150

25. 100

26. 50

27. 100

28. 200

29. 200

30. 300

31. 800

32. fast

33. 250

34. 350

35. 450

36. fast

37. 500

38. 450

39. 400

40. 350

41. 300

42. 250

43. 200

44. 200

45. 250

46. 200

47. 300

48. 200

49. 150

50. fast

It is at this point I would like to say a big FU to blogspot for not allowing copying and pasting, haha. Anyways, I'm sad and ecstatic at the same time. One of my really good friends is leaving for Texas this week. Sadness. :-( But I'm ecstatic because last night at her going away party I was laying on the ground with some of my friends. We had a kind of triangle-laying thing going on (Did that sound as dirty to ya'll as it did to me?) where our heads were in each other's laps. My friend Andrew though, was leaning against my arm and my chest. And when I moved my arm he was like "God, you have such a bony arm!" Inside I was like YES!!!!!!!!! Andrew is my effing hero. And my friend Sam kept telling me how gorgeous I was. Albeit, I don't usually trust drunk talk too much (who ISN'T gorgeous when you're wasted??) but that's the third time in a week that someone has told me that I'm pretty. I think there's something in the water here... LoL!

Anyways, time for me to go get some homework accomplished. Tomorrow (assuming my stupid professor gives me my letter of reccommendation) I turn in my application for the internship this summer at E! in Los Angeles! Please send me good vibes tomorrow!!!

Stay Strong!

We Can Save Ourselves, We Don't Need Your Help, You Can't Stop Us

You know what's annoying? Going on a three day fast and not losing any weight. That's annoying. So I figure my metabolism isn't working right because when you fast it slows way way down. To try and fix it I went to the store and got some fruits, veggies, and Healthy Choice soup (which lets be honest, is broth with speckles of real food in it). I'm going to just eat that shiz for a few days. Not many calories, but should boost my metabolism back up by luring my body into a false sense of security. Make it think its going to continue getting food. Silly, silly body.




I seriously see my body as the enemy. I plot. I strategize against it. I research ways to break it down until it is nothing. Til I am nothing. Because until that happens I am going to stay the girl with the pretty face with the body that doesn't match. Seriously. I'm not being conceited. I never thought of myself as pretty til my friends told me I have a pretty face.



"Once you slim it down you will be beautiful. Absolutely stunning."




If these people had any idea... Any notion of what those words create. It sickens me that my friends think about these things. How many times have they looked at me and thought "That's a shame... What a waste of a face."



Fuck.

Metabolism, you'd better effing start up, because this girl needs a fast. Soon.

I need to save my face, right? Friends?

Emotions Suck

How can I get so emotional over someone I've never met? I have serious issues, and not just of the ED kind. I now admit that this is an ED, not exactly a choice. But it half is. The reason I'm so overweight is because I'm a compulsive eater. In High School and College I always switched between overeating compulsively and restricting. So I guess, subconsciously, I picked the ED that I could live with. I CANNOT live with being fat anymore. I just can't. I am fully aware that both of my issues lead to the grave if they aren't helped... But for right now... I just have to stick with the one I can deal with.

But anyways. I get ridiculously attached to people, and then when they dissappoint me (and they always do), I completely break down. I lose myself in other people. ALL the time. So I decided I need a hobby. Yes, this seems like a dumb conclusion... Bear with me. The way I see it, if I can find something that I truly love. Not because the person I am currently attached to loves it, or because it's something I THINK I should love based on the person I'm trying to be. Something I GENUINELY adore. Then it can be mine. I can put myself into something so that when people dissappoint me... I still have myself.

Of course there's my ED, and my obsession with perfection, but that's not exactly something I want to cultivate. I'm thinking martial arts. I took Ryukyu Kempo in High School and I loved it. I HATE exercise, but I absolutely loved Karate. There's a Judo school in my town, and I think I'm going to check it out. I just hope it isn't too expensive... Whoever says money doesn't buy happiness was an idiot.

Take My Hand, We're Off To Never-Never Land

Home always screws me up. Ugh! There's no way I'm going to be able to meet my goal by tomorrow. After quickly trying to purge the last thing I ate at home when I got back to the apartment I was a staggering 4 pounds heavier. Like... WTF?! Okay, no, I'm not really surprised... Just... dissappointed. I need to stop going home. End of story. Dyeing my hair right now, then need to clean the room up... At least I won't be sitting around the rest of the night. That wouldn't help at all. Tomorrow back to my lovely fasting. But I know what's going to happen... What always happens. My body will refuse to drop pounds even though it isn't getting any food and then I'll get frustrated, and eat. And I hate myself, because I know that it happens everytime yet I can't seem to stop it. Why can't I stop getting frustrated so easily??